Ups and downs and level!

The last few weeks have been.....interesting, to say the least! *grin*

The first week that I was taking Thrive, I felt so good that I forgot to take my regular medications. I have an anti-depressant and an iron supplement I take regularly. My anti-depressant has a really long half life, so if I miss a dose, I don't feel it right away....for almost a week, actually.

Well, week two went well, but week three on the Thrive, I really was worried that it has run its course, and wouldn't be useful, anymore. I cried a lot! I slept almost the whole week! I was just about ready to give up, when I remembered that I'd missed almost a weeks worth of my medication right at the beginning, and that I should just wait it out, and see what happens once I level out again.

Big! Hint! To! Self!

REMEMBER TO TAKE YOUR REGULAR MEDS, CRYSTAL!!!

.....*thinks about it*.... I'll be right back ....*takes today's meds about five hours late, but at least takes them*

See?? It's hard for me to remember to take my regular meds because the Thrive helps SO much! And today is NOT my best day on the Thrive, either! Today is a "bad" Thrive day, which means it's just a little better than what used to be my "very good" rare days, before Thrive.

I still can't stand in the kitchen and wash a whole sink full of dishes. I still have trouble with the stairs in our split level. I still take naps a few times a week. I still struggle with the "up-down-up-down-up" orthostatic changes that happen when I'm tidying up a room (so I rarely do it.)

But there's so many things that I couldn't do before that I can, now!

I'm able to putter about the kitchen and make very simple meals for my kids and myself during the day.

I'm able to do three or four individual dishes at a time.

I'm able to sit on the edge of the bath tub and help wash my kids or help them potty train.

I'm able to sit on the floor, surrounded by laundry baskets, and slowly work my way through them. (I leave hauling the baskets around the house to put things away to someone else.)

I'm able to stand long enough to brush my teeth EVERY day, instead of only a on the few good days I'd have each week.

And all of this on what feels like a "Bad Day" compared to the better days I've had this month.

I've been well enough to attend a full two out of three hours of church service, two of the last four weeks; when I've only attended 40-50 minutes every third or fourth month for the last three years!!!

Instead of napping at least once or twice a day, I'm only napping two or three times A WEEK! Which is huge!! (I'm not counting last week's sleep fest! I was having drug withdrawals! Lol)

This week, I'm not back to the awesome that was my first week, but I don't care! These last few days have still been better than the best days of the last few years!

And my latest joyful discovery? I've started playing the piano, again. I haven't been able to sit at the piano for more than two to three minutes, every few months, for more than four years. And I've not only spent 10-15 minutes each day this week playing, myself; I've spent 10 minutes each day teaching my daughter.

There's music in my house, again. And on a "bad day!" I'm so happy!

Crystal

P.S. UNDER NO CONDITION DO I RECOMMEND TRYING THRIVE IF YOU HAVE DYSAUTONOMY WITHOUT CONSULTING A DR FIRST!  There ARE subtypes of POTS and DYSAUTONOMY which CAN NOT have caffeine, so be sure that isn't you before trying it!

Supermom Saturday!

Today is one week, exactly, from my first experience with Thrive. One week ago, today, I took my first supplement pill, and ended up making myself breakfast and eating it while standing up in the kitchen!!!

This.

Was.

HUGE!

I normally have breakfast brought to me, most often still in bed. Even when I'm up in the morning before 9am (which happens about once every two months) I don't get my own breakfast because standing is so hard on my system, and my symptoms are at their worst in the morning. Then, the kids watch cartoons while sitting on me while I nap on the couch till almost noon.This pattern had been in effect for over two years, since the summer of 2013, when I had my first major syncope episode (blacking out.)

For SIX of the last seven days: I've been up by 8am, fed myself AND MY KIDS breakfast, done laundry for the first time in over a year (laundry's in the basement; stairs normally=tachycardia), put laundry away, run errands, puttered around the house and stayed awake and active and up ALL DAY!!!

Last Saturday, which started with my eating in the kitchen, ended up being the busiest day I've had in years. Sunday, despite feeling tired from the previous day, I made it to two hours of church (instead of my habitual attendance of half an hour every third to sixth week!) before needing to go home. Monday I was really tired, and my mom helped around the house and took my kids to and from school for me; but I was still up all day. I know from experience that after a day like last Saturday I usually spend at least two days lying down in bed because I simply can't sit up without getting light headed and dizzy; and this week I was able to not only be up, but to be up by eight each day and not nap the morning away!!!

Holy!

Freaking!

COW!!!

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I paced myself better. And I began to feel like a person again!

Friday, I slept till noon thanks to my mom telling me I could sleep in. But when I got up, instead of dragging all day because I was just exhausted (and I was) I was able to run errands and get some chores done, help my mom with her computer software, etc!

My life, at the moment, is 1000% better than it was, last week. I have no idea if it'll last, but I'm 100% certain I'm going to keep using it, because it's amazing!!!

Snack Time with my Kids-Yum!!

Today, I went on a walk with my kids in the morning. I haven't done that in over a year and a half! After a day of errands, three different stores (one of which I didn't use the motor cart for the first time in over a year!), lots of driving, the park (again, only been to the park with my kids twice in the last six months!) and being supermom; we finished grocery shopping and I started getting dizzy. It's 4pm, and I've done more today than I normally accomplish in TWO weeks, before getting light headed and dizzy. I'm going to take a nap, instead of making it to my bi-annual women's confrence, because I totally forgot to pace myself today. But I'm ok with that!

My Daughter loving her snack and Mom Time

It's a miracle, and I'm so happy! We came home, tired from shopping, and I pulled the kids up to my room ('cause I'm too tired/dizzy to sit at the table) for a treat we picked up from WinCo. They have these new pumpkin flavored Greek yogurts, with toppings. Can I just say how awesome it is to hear my children "yum-yum-yum"ing over a snack so healthy???

My Son: Making the cutest "mmmm" "oh-mmmm"
 sounds as he enjoys his pumpkin greek yogurt

Today? Fabulous!

And I'm actually excited for tomorrow!

That hasn't happened in years!

See ya 'round!

Crystal

Straight up!

I'm experiencing a miracle!

I saw a post from a friend about an energy/weight loss/vitamin supplement called "Thrive". She was offering free samples. I've been trying it for a week and for the first time in almost three years, I have been able to do a load of laundry each day, drive my kids to school, run errands and FUNCTION; if not on a "normal" level; a whole lot better than I have in YEARS!!! I haven't slept through the morning since I started taking it. I'm up in time to take over from my husband before he goes to work and even on my bad days, I'm quietly puttering or getting things done. Instead of being up for two to three hours (where "up" means sitting on the couch, listlessly watching cartoons with my kids) and then having to lie down for a few hours, before doing the same thing again, I'm a PERSON AGAIN! My kids have, for the FIRST TIME IN THEIR LIVES, watched less than two or three carton episodes each day!!!

Just now, between paragraphs, I went up the stairs at a "brisk" pace and only realized on my way back down that I wasn't out of breath or light headed! I even ate my breakfast yesterday, STANDING UP, and only realized I felt fine when someone in the house asked if I was OK standing so long. I blinked at them for a moment, as I thought about how long I'd been standing there, before glancing at my feet (which were turning slightly purple) and and realizing that I felt fine, despite the blatant discoloration in my feet!! I just started stupidly for a moment before smiling hugely and beaming at everyone in the room!

The "Thrive" Patch on my ankle

I have no idea if it will last! The Thrive supplement has caffeine in it, which is hit and miss for folks with dysautonomic disorders, and a complete NO-GO for certain types of POTS patients. However, it's an actual method of treatment for hypotension disorders, which is one of the two dysautonomic conditions I have, POTS being the second. I don't know if it will eventually cause more harm than good; I don't know if I'll build up immunity and not be able to function, even with it; I don't know if it will last me my lifetime and be an honest to goodness long term solution; but I'm hoping! For a week, I've felt like I've reclaimed myself! And even if it isn't a long term solution, for this week, it has been SO WORTH IT!!! Guys, if anyone struggles, even a little bit, with feeling like they have the strength to make it through each day; try this!!! http://cjeffs.le-vel.com

Love you all!
See you round the webs!

Crystal

P.S. UNDER NO CONDITION DO I RECOMMEND TRYING THRIVE IF YOU HAVE DYSAUTONOMY WITHOUT CONSULTING A DR FIRST! I kind of did, but only because my doctor and I have been working together for so long, and had so little success, and he's all for trying new things as long as we introduce them gradually and I use my heart and blood pressure monitors regularly to be sure I'm safe. AND I check in with him every few months to update him on what I'm trying and what my results are. So really, I consulted with him for years, and knew that he'd tell me to try it, since we haven't tried anything new in several months, and since nothing else is working, but to take it slow and to stop if I had ANY problems, and then to follow up with him. Which is exactly what I'm doing and it's fabulous! However, there ARE subtypes of POTS and DYSAUTONOMY which CAN NOT have caffeine, so be sure that isn't you before trying it!

Reformating

I've had to take several days to decide how I want to continue this blog. I'm in a completely different place than I was two years ago, yet there are vast similarities. I still need to set and achieve small goals. I still need to keep a positive outlook. Yet, I also need a place to record my feelings and my struggle as I deal with my illness. I need a place to explain myself and how my illness affects me. I'm in so much pain, so much of the time. While I do my best to stay positive, I also need a place to honestly express that "No! I'm not OK!"

So I've decided to split each post into sections: Family Fun, POTS Education, Truthful Feelings and Looking Forward.

Family Fun will have cheerful updates about the beauty of my life, the joy I take in watching my children grow, and the things we're accomplishing.

POTS Education will share about how my life is impacted by my illness. Sometimes it will be science and facts, and sometimes it will be a journal of personal experience detailing how life and the "fun times" affect me.

Truthful Feelings will be my expression section. This area is where I will allow myself to be honest about my progress and my feelings. I believe strongly in positive thinking, and my "voice" online tends to sugar coat how things are by focusing on the positive. I've had family and friends assume I was getting better, because I try so hard to present my struggle in a positive light, even when feeling daunted. Here, I'll allow myself (perhaps even force myself) to actually tell it how it is. Even if it's bad.

And finally, in Looking Forward I'll focus on the positive, again. Because I must keep looking forward! As much as I need to be able to have a place to express my pain, I cannot have that place be one of only sorrow or loss. This is where tomorrow's goals will be updated and where I'll put the brave face back on. Every step I take hurts, but the hurt is tied up together with hope, and this is where hope will speak.

See you 'round the webs!
Crystal

Straight up, or sideways!

There's a country song, popular in its time, which says "When you hit rock bottom, you've got two ways to go: Straight Up or Sideways!" I've spent two years struggling up and skittering sideways. I don't know that it will change anytime soon, but I know that the last time I truly felt I was balancing well was when I was blogging regularly.

So here I go, again.

I've been sick, I am sick. I may never be better. We have family living with us because I'm not well enough to care for my kids on my own, more than a few hours lays me out in bed. My capabilities are at an all time low, but this time we know why. I've struggled through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sorrow and flirted with Acceptance. Restarting my blog is another step towards acceptance.

I posted a while back about starting IV therapy. Ultimately my doctor and I decided that it seems to provide me the most benefit during the summer months. Lately I've been doing my physical therapy at the local pool with a water aerobics class. It seems to be good and I've stuck with it more consistently than any other form of exercise I've tried.

I keep relapsing, however. Just this last week and a half I've had a really nasty chest cold. I've been barely able to even sit up for more than an hour or two at a time, and I've lost a lot of the progress I'd been making.

I have to admit that I'm tired, frustrated, sad and exhausted. I'm tied of trying. I'm tired of being less than I know I could be if I had my strength back. I'm just so tired of sick.

But I've learned one very important thing about myself. I always keep going. I am unstoppable. "Going" for me right now means getting out of bed for more than two or three hours at a time, yet I do it! Being "unstoppable" doesn't mean what it did for me even three years ago; then it meant large projects and superhuman results. Now, it means baby steps! But I still make them.

My current goal? Get over this cold.
After that? Begin establishing daily habits again. Even if they're small ones. Perhaps especially because they're small ones!

A world of discovery and potential recovery!

It's been so long since I posted. The last year and a half has been difficult, to say the least, but there is hope on my horizon! This is going to be a little long, but it's life changing to me, so bear with me!

I'll try to fill in the details later, but the short story is that I have been diagnosed with a few Dysautonomic Disorders (which affect the autonomic nervous system... y'know, the one which controls pulse, blood pressure, breathing, etc)

One is called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (or POTS) and the other is called Neurally Mediated Hypotension (or NMH).

Basically, my heart beats too fast and my blood pressure reflex is on the fritz so my BP is prone to sudden drops when it should actually be rising.

In a nut shell, just sitting upright is difficult for me. Think "running a marathon every minute of the day when you're not lying down!" and "Prone to a light-headed dizzy feeling when first standing up" That's the POTS and it's exhausting!

Then there's the NMH...think "gets light headed and nearly passes out when standing in line/standing around talking at social events/sitting upright at the dinner table/sitting in church/sitting at the computer/bending-then-straightening(I did not realize how much this function is a major part of our every day!)/going from sitting-to-standing or otherwise changing her orthostatic position" and you'll get the basics.

There are only a few treatment options for individuals with autonomic disorders. They know what's happening, they just don't know  why! One difficulty patients with POTS face
is varying degrees of hypovolemia (low total blood volume.) We know I'm so affected due to my medical history and due to recent events.

For the last year we've been using compression and diet to try and offset my symptoms. The last few months we've even added medications to help me retain fluids and raise my blood pressure, but haven't seen a noticeable improvement.

Having concluded that I am continuing to get worse, the doctor finally felt we'd reached a point where more aggressive treatment is appropriate. (Thank goodness!) For the last few weeks we've been monitoring how I respond to regularly administered saline IVs (a therapy they know can help POTS patients but which they prefer to use only after having exhausted less invasive options.)

The results have been promising! We know indisputably that my pulse is lower and my BP higher after an IV, but we weren't sure the insurance would cover the therapy for the length of time we need for me to be able to complete the recently released POTS Recovery Exercise Protocol (developed by a doctor in Huston, TX the regimen results in 70% of those who are able to complete it no longer presenting symptomatic POTS characteristics!)

I've been trying to complete the protocol for nine+ months with no success! It's a three month protocol with two months of strengthening and prep for a total of five months, but I can only manage a week at the most before a surge in my symptoms nocks me flat!

My doctor and I have been able to verify that regular IVs help me overcome my "exercise intolerance" (don't laugh, it's actually a symptom of POTS!) and we're hoping that with regular treatment I'll finally be able to complete the POTS protocol.

The only hitch has been figuring out the logistics of regular saline administration and presenting it to the insurance in a way that they'll be willing to approve.

IVs are hard on the veins, and pic-lines make even simple things like bathing difficult. I already have a really hard time with basic grooming tasks; and I need daily infusions, which would wreck my veins, so we'd decided the best route would probably be a chest port. Having the port installed wont be a problem, but providing support for the saline and monitoring of the port could be potentially difficult to get approved.

My Dr has been talking with the home health care companies who normally oversee things like that and working with them to be sure my case has a good chance of approval. On Tuesday we reviewed my health notes, and the criteria the home health company gave us which generally result in a case being approved, and we made sure to document things we otherwise might not have. He submitted my case to them the same day.

Guess what? I just got a call from my Dr's office scheduling me for a pre-opp eval (tomorrow!!!) with the surgeon who'll be installing my port! The home health company doesn't anticipate any problems with my case and told my Dr it looked good!

I'm so excited I could pop! So many forums, blogs and websites where POTS is the topic of discussion have posts or threads in which patients talk about the turning point in managing their illnesses being when they started their IV therapy. And I'll be starting mine, soon!

If I had the strength to dance, I totally would!!! Watch out world, I'm on my way to recovery!

Sunday Musing

It's been a very difficult month.

Before I say this let me ask, gently, please don't criticize me for my feelings about motherhood and my children lately. I know it hasn't been good. This is just where I've been for a while.

I fell back into a very dark place, where I found myself thinking almost every ten minutes, "I just don't want to be mom for a while...". Every day I would get stuck in this funk. I didn't want to wake up, I resented my husband's work and his steadiness and reliability at going to work every day when I just wanted a break, I've spent a lot of time "leaking" tears of quiet despair. I wanted so badly to just have a week to myself where I could be ME, and not just "Mommy." I haven't been a good housewife, or a good wife, at all. Bare---Essential---Minimums. That has been all that I've been capable of. My kids have been fed, clothed, changed and had their physical needs met. I'm afraid that I've struggled to provide more than the bare minimum of their emotional demand, though. And through it all, I've cried and cried. I love them so much, yet I couldn't get past this feeling that I just wanted them to Leave Me ALONE!

Then, this weekend, I had a small revelation.

A month ago I was doing ok. I was tired (what mother of a five-month-old isn't?) but I was getting things done and doing my best to balance my needs with the needs of my family. Then, a great thing happened for a associate of mine, she made Sales Director. At her debut I was so inspired. I was so excited, because I was FINALLY working my own business better than I ever had. I was going to be in her shoes, hopefully in just a few months. I was building my own momentum and I was sure this was my time.

On my way home from her Directorship Debut, I started composing my own Debut speech in my head. Most debut speeches in my field have similar formats. You start by describing your life before you began your career, the changes this career hs made in your life, and the feelings you've had as it's blossomed, then go on with where you're headed and how you'd like to get there. There's thanks to those who've helped you, and praise for those who've taught and mentored you.

Well, I spent a few days thinking about what I wanted to say.....the problem was that I got stuck on "before the decision to build my own business....etc,etc,etc." I kept thinking I needed to sit down and write it out, make it as short as possible and then move on. There have been a lot of good things in my life, and I know that. But it's the pain that we overcome that writes a story of triumph. And my thoughts, because I didn't write it down and move on, became focused on the pain that came before.

Well, this weekend was a two day training conference that I attended. Part of this conference was lessons on overcoming poor attitude and negative thoughts. It was during this conference that I realized what had started my very QUICK decent into deep depression. Almost as though I could feel someone prompting me to Just Write It Down, I picked up my pen, stopped taking notes, and then wrote down my back-story. It took just over one-third of a page. I then followed it up with almost two pages of notes about the positive changes that having my own business has made in my life, and the choices I've made that have benefited my family and my own personal growth because of it.

And I felt so much better. Suddenly the world opened up again, and I could feel myself bringing my thoughts and spirit more closely into alignment with God's desires for my life. I know that what we think about, we bring about. I know that our attitude determines our altitude. I believe in the law of attraction. And yet I totally missed it. I am very outspoken about speaking positively about ones self. I do not tolerate negative self-talk in any  of my friends. And yet, my husband pointed out yesterday, I am very poor at applying the same rules to myself.

And then today, while I was leading the music at the end of our Sacrament service, a hymn I've heard all my life (and truthfully disdained a bit, because when you're in a dark place and someone tells you to "think a happy thought" you just want to smack them) was sung as the closing hymn. As I listened to the words, and thought over the progress I've made the last few months, I remembered:

Sitting down at the computer, several times, to write a negative post. Then reading a few of my past accomplishments before writing, and having such a change of heart that the previously negative post I'd all but written in my mind came out as being challenged, but hopeful to overcome my challenges and aware of the things I HAD done. 

Just yesterday, being on the verge of walking out of my conference, because I just didn't see the point anymore, and then taking a moment to purge the past as quickly and painlessly as possible, get it all out, and then not only set it aside, but to illustrate the changes and differences in me since I began my sales career. To acknowledge the accomplishments and strides I'd made, and to outline the hopes and the vision I had for my future.

Eight years ago, when a caring Bishop advised me to write in my Journal, every night, three things about my roommates that I liked. And the way that had helped me to deal kindly with them. 

That I had told Mike yesterday that I needed to take time each day to write down the good things in our life, because I seem to function best when I take a moment each day to be grateful and to acknowledge the good things.

And as the words of the hymn "Count Your Blessings" were sung, such a powerful affirmation came over me. I knew in that moment that I just might have finally come to understand the truth of that message. It does not mean "you know, you really should be grateful, because somewhere there's someone else who is suffering more" (which I've been told SO many times) It's tied in to so many other principles, and I've only today begun tying them together in my heart. It means that it's not just about "thinking good thoughts" but about pro-actively doing something each day, and especially when you're down, to ward off the feelings and desires of the Adversary. It speaks to us, not to say "you should be grateful, you know, dolt!" but to remind us of a divine pattern that has always been present, we've just forgotten about it. It's not a mocking message of "chin up! Despite it all." It's a message to us of EXACTLY HOW to overcome those negative feelings we're sometimes plagued by.

So this beautiful Sunday Evening, as I renew my own dedication to take a moment each day for gratitude; not only for the things I have, but for the things I'm learning and the progress I'm making in life; may I extol the virtue of both the process of being grateful and the practice of writing it down. And, may I implore you to take up both practices in your own life, especially if you find yourself in a dark and desperate place; looking to the heavens and asking "HOW am I supposed to have joy in this life?!?"

He hears us, and he answers in so many ways. We just have to be willing to listen. I leave you with the words of my new favorite hymn.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, 

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, 

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

God Bless You All!
Crystal

Mommy love

So it's been a week! I got ALL the laundry in the house washed. Now I'm just trying to get it folded. It's taking me DAYS. If I wasn't a mom it would be done already, but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, and I just have to keep remembering that. I got something like nine new facial apointments booked last week. Which means I have to finish my taxes and stuff by tomorrow so my new year accounting is good to begin. I also need the house clean, because people are going to be coming for facials, and I really can't have it a disaster when they do. I also have two baby blankets I'm trying to finish, and a large sewing project for my own kids I need to get done. Is it any wonder I called my mom today feeling overwhelmed? She gave me a big hug over the phone, and reminded me that having two small ones is genuinely difficult to handle, and feeling like I can't keep up is normal and to just love myself and take a deep breath. I love my mommy. Now to go take care of my baby who just started crying again, and give mommy love to my kids in turn.

Forgiving Things I Can't Change

Migraines.

Even medicated they knock me out for four to twelve hours. I had a bad one today. I was out cold once I admited defeat and went back to bed, until 3:30. The worst part is that I'd promissed Michael that I'd give him the day off from daddy duty. He works so hard to help me have time to get things done that I need to take care of, and he wanted some time for his things for a while now.

And I had to reneg. I tried not to. I knew I had a migraine coming on. But I stayed up with the kids for two hours, before I told him I just couldn't do it. I texted a friend at church and asked her to cover my responsibilities there, and I didn't even wait for a response, I just went to bed. When I woke up I took the kids out for a drive so we could give dad some time alone. I still wasn't great then, but at least I was safe enough by then to drive.

What I'm struggling so hard with is the feelings of self-worthlessnes that overwhelm me when my best laid plans are blown to bits by something I have no control over. The severity of the migraines I get are a genuine disability. But I can't seem to find the ability to forgive myself for having them. I feel so much guilt when they cause me to be unable to keep my commitments.

The only thing that gets me through a migraine day is knowing it'll most likely be over tomorrow, and I should have at least two to five weeks before I have another. Durring that time I should be able to BE ME. I've already written down the six most important things I have to do tomorow. And I'm hopeful that it'll be a good day. I love mondays.

In the meantime? I wish I wasn't like this. I really don't like it.

A Jumping Off Point

How good it feels to have two days in a week that are good days, again. It's been almost a month since I've felt this accomplished. I'm excited to keep moving from here. Everything got "let go" from the beginning of the month, to the beginning of this week. And doing the work to get my family back on track feels really good.

Last night before I went to bed I wrote down the six most important things I had to do today.

Exercise was first
Laundry was second
those are my two main priorities right now, as I've made clear. And notice I said "was".......'cause they're done!!!

Third through Fifth are things for my business, and I've accomplished the first two-I'll have to wait to do the last until the kids cooperate (read: "take a nap!")

Sixth is a cost estimate I have to put together for my big project I'm working on for my mom. I'm gonna try to work on that next.

I've also kept the kids happy, fed, engaged in learning and entertained.
Today, I'm supper mom!

Up, up and away!

Getting back on the ...... great balancing act.

Life is such a balancing act.

I have to admit my balance has been terrible this month. I burnt out right at the beginning of the month, just after my last post. Spent the next few weeks "hiding" from myself and my life, and the last week and a half buried in a project I took on that I was way optimistic about my ability to do speedily. I gave myself an unrealistic deadline, and the project is done, but it's been rough on my family (specifically on my kids and husband). I'm hoping to get back on the horse/wagon/etc, now that the project is "finished"

( though it's the type of project that could take me months, truthfully, with revisions and changes and edits...I'm helping my mom with blueprints for a house she's hoping to get built. Pray for her, if you have time, she's found a program that MAY help her to get a loan to rebuild, since her current home is falling down. And if you're feeling generous check out this site)

I worked out today. First time this year. My end of year goal is 500+ "miles". I have the Leslie Sansone "Walk at Home" DVDs and I LOVE them. The cool thing is she has free "sample" videos on her web site, so you don't have to buy the dvds to actually use her program. You walk in place in your front room to the rhythm of the music, and after a certain time she tells you you've gone a mile, two miles, etc. No treadmill, no fancy gym membership. Just me and my little girl and my TV. Awesome. I hope this is the start of a beautiful phase of my life. I want to have the energy to accomplish my goals, and the only way I'll be able to do that is if I regain my strength. That means working out.

"What about my laundry?", you say. It's a work in progress. It's worse than ever, right now, but I did get a load in today. Here's to reaffirming my habits and working on making them more permanant.

One load each day,
One mile each day-until I can do more than that, and then we'll make it more.

I wish you all luck in your endeavors, too!

A week in the life....

It's been a CRAZY week. We got our cooking for the month done on Saturday  with a small bit of work left over on Sunday. Once again, I DIDN'T do the prep work the night before, so if I had, we'd have been done on Saturday. I'm also getting less than happy with the once a month mom website. The first month was great, the second month and last month the menus had SO many errors. But I've liked a lot of the recipes so far. I think we'll be ending our membership with them soon, though. Especially as we've made a lot of progress on our own software. Not as much progress as I wanted (blasted migraines!) but some good progress.

I've managed to get so much done this week, but not spaced out each day like I want to, but in big clumps of effort followed by days of tired....which defeats the point of trying to establish new habits. I've been so busy, it's been hard to maintain my habits. But I've gotten about three or four loads of laundry washed and dried today, and half of them folded -(I plan to get the other half tomorrow!)- which is more than I've done since Christmas (we were getting pretty naked, not that my husband minds.....but the neighbors.....I'm sure they would!).

Tuesday I spent the day at the University with a rented vendor table and was able to get 11 new bookings for my Mary Kay business, so excited! (It was a much smaller result than I had hoped for, so I've had to talk myself into being excited, but I am, it's a good start!)

I've gotten cleaning and laundry and Mary Kay and some organization done this week....and yesterday I crashed hard. Today I got back on the horse, but my house still looks like I took a month off..... oh well. I'll do more tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to report new bookings, better laundry habits, and more feelings of self joy.

I have to say, I feel like I am making progress at being more responsible. Maybe not at doing my habits EVERY day, regularly, but at actually being cognizant of the need to get them done, and steadily (several times a week) getting it done. It's more than I've done for years of my life, and I think that's a start. Someday, I hope to look back at this blog and say to myself, look how far you've come. And I think I will be able to. I keep telling myself I will.

The New Year Re-Boot!

It's the New Year Re-Boot! So exciting. I'm glad I got a jump start on my goals by starting last month instead of waiting to get started this week. It's been both a brutal and a great week. Recovering from the holidays and how busy we were, having two really terrible migraines, spending some down time with my dear hubby and my kids, and buying new furniture. Some really great highs and some really great lows. This weekend Mike and I are sending the kids to the grandparents for the day and doing, together, our once a month cooking day. I'm really excited. Having him in the kitchen with me, and having the kids off to grandma's for the day should really speed things up, big time! He got me a deep freeze for Christmas, so we're going to have even more freezer space than normal, and I'm going to start stockpiling the infant food, and the instant toddler type recipes, also! So excited to do this, again. Last month didn't go well in the kitchen, and we didn't end up liking the recipes that were on the menu, so there's still a lot of things in the freezer that are....eat once in a while meals, not eat once a week meals. Next months menu looks much better. AND we're almost ready to start alpha testing our new freezer meal software. We've been working on it since Christmas, as much as possible, and it's looking really pretty.

I'm on my way to the basement to load up a load of laundry on the eight hour delay, and I'll finish it up in the morning. Today I also deep cleaned our family room, so it's ready for our new sofa and love seat to be delivered on Friday.

I'm so glad I'm progressing towards new goals.
Here's my short term goal for this week.
Get back on the laundry wagon (I fell of during Christmas, go figure!)
And once I manage to get laundry done each of the next three days, take Sunday off per the commandments, and get to next Monday, I'm then going to add 30 minutes of exercise to my list.
One Complete load of Laundry
and Thirty minutes of exercise.

I can do it!

Overcoming Myself

I've had three fantastic days! Monday, I got two loads washed and dried, and I got one load folded. I put away the load I folded and the load that I already had folded but hadn't been put away for several days. So it was two loads washed and dried, one load folded, and two loads put away on Monday! Tuesday I got one load washed and dried, two loads folded AND put away! There was nothing in my washer or dryer, and nothing waiting to be put away!

Success! I'm supper happy about my progress this week. I think next week I might even add a second goal.

I've spent a lot of time in organizations that promote the power of positive thinking, and analyzing your feelings and thoughts to find the root cause of a behavior. There's two or three things I've changed in the last week that I think have made my recent success possible.

First, last week when I thought about doing laundry I would get so frustrated, putting it away seems pointless because Rhia always pulls all her clothes out of her drawers within a few hours of getting them put away. They end up all over the floor and it's a huge mess. I had looked up how to baby proof a sliding closet door, but couldn't find anything that worked for our doors. Well, I decided that if I was ever going to meet my goal I needed to eliminate the cause of that negativity and I finally found a Patio Door lock, and used some drywall/hollow door anchors for the screws, installed the lock, and viola! She can't open the closet anymore. (We even have locks on the drawers of her little clothes dresser, and she knows how to open them, so they only helped for the week before she figured it out!) The great thing is the lock is up above my head, so she CAN'T get to it! One negative associated with laundry and making it feel pointless down!

Second, I feel like I'm washing the same clothes over and over, because she's always pulling them out of her closet (which I've fixed now) and because there's a lot of her clothes that are too small, and I put them in a pile to give away, she gets into the pile, dad cleans up one day (so thankful he's so helpful around the house, I really got lucky with him!) and doesn't know they're too small, he throws them in the laundry room thinking they're dirty, and I end up washing clean clothes again and again. I would think about doing the laundry, and that would make me think of all the time it would take to go through Rhia's clothes and Rowan's clothes, and my clothes and Mike's and sort out what doesn't fit/is worn out. That would make me feel overwhelmed and as though my effort was never going to measure up. My solution? I bought a new laundry basket. I dedicated it to only one purpose. It sits next to the washer and dryer. When I'm folding laundry, if it's too small for either of my kidlets then I throw it in the basket. The beautiful thing is that Rhia doesn't play with the laundry in the basement because she doesn't like dirty clothes and she knows if it's downstairs that it's dirty....lol. So now the clothes we have outgrown have a designated home to gather in before being given away!

Third, I'm forgetful, and tired, and have a newborn, and though i start a load every day, some days I just can't get downstairs to get it dried, then I have to restart it t he next day cause it smells bad. More feelings of frustration and pointlessness. Well, i figured this one out, too. My washing machine has a button on it that says "8 hour delay". Beautiful button! I load up the laundry before I go to bed for the night, adjust the settings, add soap, turn on the eight hour delay, hit start and go to bed. In the morning I throw it in the dryer. Now, instead of having to remember-twice-to head downstairs, I only have to find time in the day to get down there once. Starting each load the night before has made it so much easier!

Last, I was folding laundry Monday, after putting up the locks over the weekend and getting the basket, and I was feeling like it was just so hard! And I thought "there's no reason to feel that way, you've analyzed the things that were making this hard on you, and resolved them. Now, how are you going to change the way you feel about laundry?" I remembered one of the key things about changing habits that I'd been taught in my professional life and church. When in a funk or bad place, say something positive! I started repeating over and over, while folding the clothes, "doing the laundry is easy!" I added the steps I want to take each day, and by the time I had the two loads folded I had a little positive affirmation chant.

It goes like this:
"Doing the laundry is easy,
I start a load each night!
I dry it in the morning,
then fold and put away that load-when it is dry!"

And that night and the next morning, and today? I did!

And the Tables Turn!

Today, I think will be a good day. Not just a good day, but a day I make good. And there is a difference. Over the last few weeks I've dealt with me and both kids being ill, myself twice, done a Cooking for the Month day (which was much less successful than our last, my apologies to God for the waste....) but has been adequate to feed us, at least. All in all I should feel great about myself. I've been sick, for crying out loud.

When I sat down to write this, I was feeling really down on myself. I have realized, again, why writing is so important. As I wrote, I realized something important. I HAVE been making progress. I have one goal. One! Not thirty, not ten, not even three! Just one. To do a load of laundry from start to finish. Washed, dried and put away.

Today? I did it! First time in two weeks! And I was feeling so bad that it's been two weeks since my last successful "goal" day. Then I wrote that I did it, and I remembered that two weeks ago I had a successful "goal met" day, too. And as I cast my mind back, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time before that that I managed a to get a whole load of laundry actually put away, without someone else doing it for me. And that the fact that I've done it twice in the last month (and done countless loads of laundry that are clean but not put away in the mean time...) is a huge improvement over "never even washing laundry". Yes, I still can't find any clean clothes, because they aren't put away. But I did it today! Got a load put away. There were some for me, some for Rhia, some for Rowan and some for Daddy. A little bit for everyone, put away where they belong and easy to find.

Ah...my order loving heart feels great about that.

We're desperate for clean towels, so I'm doing a second load today out of necessity.

My embarrassing before picture, let's see what it looks like by Friday, eh?

Hopefully, while tracking my numbers they'll continue to grow. Someday, I'll have a clean laundry room, and closets that are in order. One day at a time, I'll conquer Mount Wash-More!

One month, down.

Well, it's been almost a month since I started this blog. It's funny but the things that have changed seem so small to me on some days, and quite big on others. I still haven't gotten the laundry put away. I wash and wash and wash, and yet we never have clothes where they belong because I just can't seem to get them put away. Is my will power so weak? And yet on a good front, I've been making good meals for my family much more often. The benefit of cooking once a month.

Our cooking weekend this month had lots of complications, though. I didn't manage to get three of the recipes for the month made before the food went bad. I'm feeling like such a failure. Despite having a freezer full of other types of food I just feel so inadequate. I was curled up on the couch last night, crying, and said to Michael that I shouldn't have purchased the food until the weekend. (I'd been having a panic attack about needing to get more meals in our freezer since we were out, so I went shopping on Wednesday, I don't know what I was thinking since the food just sat there until the weekend, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it all on Saturday because I had prior commitments...I really should have waited.) He said "That's ok, we'll know that for next time." He's so good to me. I don't know why. He even suggested that we get a babysitter next time, so that he and I can spend the day together in the kitchen and get it all done in one day (for real this time). I'm really excited for that.

See what I mean....mood swings. I feel so bad about how this month is turning out, and yet I'm very excited that it's going to keep going somewhere positive if I keep with it.

I need to clean my house. It's a mess....I just know it wont be today. Rhia and Rowan (and I) are very sick today. And Rowan got his immunizations yesterday. I see lots of baby holding and comforting in my future. And so here I am again. With feelings in both directions. I'm so glad that I can sit with my kids in the living room and just make sure we get well soon and Michael knows that I'm doing my best to take care of the kids and myself while being sick so he's not upset with me for getting "just" childcare done today. I'm greatful for that. And at the same time I'm so upset that ONCE AGAIN I feel so yucky that I don't have the energy to clean and organize my home.

Will it ever really get better? I know that I'll never give up, but sometimes I doubt that I'll ever succeed.

My roadtrip to Thirty

So. I'm twenty-nine, now. It was my birthday yesterday. I had a really good day, but really mixed feelings about turning twenty-nine.

The bad feelings? Twenty-Nine and have finished so few of my personal developmental life goals.

The good feelings? I have a whole year until I'm Thirty and so much change can happen in a year. I have so much I can do to be where I want to be by Thirty.

The frustrated feelings? Rowan has started to get really fussy whenever he's not eating, which means I'm holding-rocking-swaying-soothing ALL day long. Even when he's asleep. He falls asleep, or is almost asleep, and if I put him down he wakes up screaming. I can't get anything done! I know he'll get over it eventually but in the meantime it's so frustrating. There's so much I want to DO with my life right now, and all I can do is hold him. There's moments when holding him is all I want to do, and I'm very aware that he's going to grow up SO fast and then I'll miss holding my brand new baby. I know that. I WANT to be able to just hold and cuddle and enjoy him. But why can't he sleep without being held so that I can spend SOME time devoted to just Rhia, too? And get my laundry done? And MAYBE get a room or two tidied? I'm frustrated that he's being SO needy that I have NO balance and that lack of balance is making it hard to unreservedly enjoy his newborn stage. He's my last baby, I really want to cherish every moment. It's so hard to do so when my house is such a mess that I can't relax.

Hopefully I can figure something out so that I am not so restricted in my ability to do things and comfort him at the same time. I have a baby wrap but he doesn't like it. I think I'm gonna have to try a couple other baby carier types. He doesn't like the wrap or our baby bjorn front carier. I wonder if he'll like a sling?.....?

Well, I guess that gives me a first priority project to accomplish first thing tomorrow. Find a sling to try out with him. Last week was another wash, goal wise. I was really sick the first half of the week, and with Rowan being so fussy the whole week I just didn't get anything done.

But tomorrow is Monday. I love Mondays. Let's hope this week is better!

Ciao!

Sick as a Dog!

Oh, sad. I've come down with a really bad head cold. I failed to meet my whole goal yesterday. (Will I ever have more than one good day in a row???) I met it halfway. *sigh* I'm gonna go take a nap, hopefully when I wake up I'll have the strength to get a full goal met day done, today.

Just because they sparkle....

I had the most interesting thought while I was driving home yesterday.

But first. This week has been one of great enjoyment for me. I spent a few days out of town (which is why I haven't been posting. I wasn't at home) The days that I was at home I met my goals. Monday I did a full load of laundry, from washing to putting away. Tuesday I spent over an hour folding over four loads that had been washed but not folded or put away. Because of that, packing for our trip was easy. Then we went to Cedar for the Thanksgiving holiday. When we got back I got those loads put away. It's Sunday, now, and I'm glad that we're coming up on a new week. I love Sunday. It's like an emotional reboot for my heart. I always feel like I can accomplish anything during the week as long as I have my Sunday to heal my spirit, first. Simply because I want to have fourteen consecutive days of good habits, I'm rebooting my new habit count starting tomorrow. I'm excited for the next few weeks.

I've been really good with keeping my spending under control, thanks be to God. I couldn't do it without his help. And I'm starting to really feel like I'll be able to find the me that I'm looking for.

In that vein, Sunday! I love Sunday. I'd forgotten how much I love Sunday in the last few years. I've been so sick that Sunday had become just another day to lie around and feel like I wasn't good enough or strong enough. For the first time in almost a year, Mike and I have both made it to all of our Sunday church meetings. It feels so good. I've also spent quite a bit of time over the last three weeks reading my scriptures. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time reading them. It's making a large difference in my life. The positive change in my emotions and heart as I struggle to elevate my style of life, I believe, is due in large part to the fact that I've brought my faith to the front of my life again. When you spend enough time opening yourself to the words of God and his prophets, you find yourself being struck by positive thoughts more often, and feeling more love for yourself because you can feel the love that God has for you filtering down upon the tender places in your soul.

And you are struck by such interesting thoughts, at the most interesting moments. I was driving home last night, and I was coming into my neighborhood and noticing the houses that had Christmas lights up on their roofs. And as I did so I was feeling that they were so beautiful, and at the same time feeling a little guilt that I hadn't ever gotten lights up on our house, and also (at the same moment) worrying that my neighbors were upset that I never decorated my house to add to the beauty of the neighborhood, and also in the same thought trying to tell myself to relax about it, the time will eventually come that I'm at a place where I feel able to handle decorating for the holidays. (Funny how so many things can go though one's mind, all at the same exact moment....)

And suddenly I was looking at the houses on the streets, and I realized that I wasn't looking at the houses that didn't have lights up. I didn't even notice them. What I noticed were the houses that sparkled. I noticed the houses that were decorated. And looking at the whole picture, those houses stand out so much because the houses next to them aren't lit up. But when you drive down a street and look at the Christmas lights, you don't see the houses that aren't lit and think "man, they're so lazy" or "goodness they're bad homeowners, they don't do anything". What you see is the houses that are decorated. You don't even notice the ones that aren't because you're too busy looking at the ones that are.

And so, keep this in mind. Just because they sparkle or shine, doesn't make you less. Your flaws aren't more noticeable to others simply because someone near you happens to seem more perfect to you. Truth is, take comparing yourself to others out of the equation completely, people are most likely not noticing your flaws at all, because they're too busy noticing the things about you that do sparkle.

So love yourself more. The sparkly parts of your life out shine the parts that haven't been lit up, yet.

Icing on my cake!

I did it! I washed, dried and put away a load of laundry! (I folded two loads, actually!) Day one of fourteen, down! Tomorrow I hope to have another successful day. I was really busy today, but I had a major change of view point as I was doing things. I know it's happening because I'm working on this blog to track my progress, and so my desire to improve and become my best me is always at the front of my mind. I knew I had a lot to do, but even when I was running around getting things done the thing in my mind that weighed the most and that I kept coming back to was that no mater what I HAD TO get the laundry done. It was really bizarre, actually. Normally I throw a load in and get so busy I forget to finish it. Today, as things came up, as I was running errands, etc., I kept thinking "have to get home and finish my laundry, have to get home and finish my laundry." Everything else was just Icing on My Cake of Life.

I got quite a bit done today, just a little putter here and there. And I'm not exhausted from the effort, so I know I wasn't overdoing it. Very pleased with myself right now, and thankful to God. My first week went well in the way it got me started, last week was a total wash, but this week I'm finally getting my game on. Today I spent some time cleaning the family room (wow, Rhia makes it messy in less than a blink! I clean it every day, honestly.) I took Rowan and myself to the Doctor, because he's got thrush and so I've got it, too. Ow! That hurts! We went to the store so I could buy plumbing supplies (yay, we're still under budget!) to fix the bathroom toilet. I fixed the bathroom toilet. Mike made lunch today, and dinner, but I'm alright with that because I was busy running errands, and all he had to do was heat something up. *big grin* I delivered some Mary Kay product, picked up the anti-yeast cream for Rowan and myself, got some laundry done, pumped some milk for Rowan (he can't nurse 'til I heal, I'm too torn up and sore), got Rhia down for her nap and spent some quality time with Mike. Tonight I have to pick up one of my sisters from Salt Lake and get the sinks in both the bathrooms to drain smoothly again. All in all, I'm calling today a total win! And not because of all the things I got done, but because of the fact that I managed to get the laundry folded and put away. Finally! Goal Finally Met!

Bring it, tomorrow!