Sick as a Dog!

Oh, sad. I've come down with a really bad head cold. I failed to meet my whole goal yesterday. (Will I ever have more than one good day in a row???) I met it halfway. *sigh* I'm gonna go take a nap, hopefully when I wake up I'll have the strength to get a full goal met day done, today.

Just because they sparkle....

I had the most interesting thought while I was driving home yesterday.

But first. This week has been one of great enjoyment for me. I spent a few days out of town (which is why I haven't been posting. I wasn't at home) The days that I was at home I met my goals. Monday I did a full load of laundry, from washing to putting away. Tuesday I spent over an hour folding over four loads that had been washed but not folded or put away. Because of that, packing for our trip was easy. Then we went to Cedar for the Thanksgiving holiday. When we got back I got those loads put away. It's Sunday, now, and I'm glad that we're coming up on a new week. I love Sunday. It's like an emotional reboot for my heart. I always feel like I can accomplish anything during the week as long as I have my Sunday to heal my spirit, first. Simply because I want to have fourteen consecutive days of good habits, I'm rebooting my new habit count starting tomorrow. I'm excited for the next few weeks.

I've been really good with keeping my spending under control, thanks be to God. I couldn't do it without his help. And I'm starting to really feel like I'll be able to find the me that I'm looking for.

In that vein, Sunday! I love Sunday. I'd forgotten how much I love Sunday in the last few years. I've been so sick that Sunday had become just another day to lie around and feel like I wasn't good enough or strong enough. For the first time in almost a year, Mike and I have both made it to all of our Sunday church meetings. It feels so good. I've also spent quite a bit of time over the last three weeks reading my scriptures. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time reading them. It's making a large difference in my life. The positive change in my emotions and heart as I struggle to elevate my style of life, I believe, is due in large part to the fact that I've brought my faith to the front of my life again. When you spend enough time opening yourself to the words of God and his prophets, you find yourself being struck by positive thoughts more often, and feeling more love for yourself because you can feel the love that God has for you filtering down upon the tender places in your soul.

And you are struck by such interesting thoughts, at the most interesting moments. I was driving home last night, and I was coming into my neighborhood and noticing the houses that had Christmas lights up on their roofs. And as I did so I was feeling that they were so beautiful, and at the same time feeling a little guilt that I hadn't ever gotten lights up on our house, and also (at the same moment) worrying that my neighbors were upset that I never decorated my house to add to the beauty of the neighborhood, and also in the same thought trying to tell myself to relax about it, the time will eventually come that I'm at a place where I feel able to handle decorating for the holidays. (Funny how so many things can go though one's mind, all at the same exact moment....)

And suddenly I was looking at the houses on the streets, and I realized that I wasn't looking at the houses that didn't have lights up. I didn't even notice them. What I noticed were the houses that sparkled. I noticed the houses that were decorated. And looking at the whole picture, those houses stand out so much because the houses next to them aren't lit up. But when you drive down a street and look at the Christmas lights, you don't see the houses that aren't lit and think "man, they're so lazy" or "goodness they're bad homeowners, they don't do anything". What you see is the houses that are decorated. You don't even notice the ones that aren't because you're too busy looking at the ones that are.

And so, keep this in mind. Just because they sparkle or shine, doesn't make you less. Your flaws aren't more noticeable to others simply because someone near you happens to seem more perfect to you. Truth is, take comparing yourself to others out of the equation completely, people are most likely not noticing your flaws at all, because they're too busy noticing the things about you that do sparkle.

So love yourself more. The sparkly parts of your life out shine the parts that haven't been lit up, yet.

Icing on my cake!

I did it! I washed, dried and put away a load of laundry! (I folded two loads, actually!) Day one of fourteen, down! Tomorrow I hope to have another successful day. I was really busy today, but I had a major change of view point as I was doing things. I know it's happening because I'm working on this blog to track my progress, and so my desire to improve and become my best me is always at the front of my mind. I knew I had a lot to do, but even when I was running around getting things done the thing in my mind that weighed the most and that I kept coming back to was that no mater what I HAD TO get the laundry done. It was really bizarre, actually. Normally I throw a load in and get so busy I forget to finish it. Today, as things came up, as I was running errands, etc., I kept thinking "have to get home and finish my laundry, have to get home and finish my laundry." Everything else was just Icing on My Cake of Life.

I got quite a bit done today, just a little putter here and there. And I'm not exhausted from the effort, so I know I wasn't overdoing it. Very pleased with myself right now, and thankful to God. My first week went well in the way it got me started, last week was a total wash, but this week I'm finally getting my game on. Today I spent some time cleaning the family room (wow, Rhia makes it messy in less than a blink! I clean it every day, honestly.) I took Rowan and myself to the Doctor, because he's got thrush and so I've got it, too. Ow! That hurts! We went to the store so I could buy plumbing supplies (yay, we're still under budget!) to fix the bathroom toilet. I fixed the bathroom toilet. Mike made lunch today, and dinner, but I'm alright with that because I was busy running errands, and all he had to do was heat something up. *big grin* I delivered some Mary Kay product, picked up the anti-yeast cream for Rowan and myself, got some laundry done, pumped some milk for Rowan (he can't nurse 'til I heal, I'm too torn up and sore), got Rhia down for her nap and spent some quality time with Mike. Tonight I have to pick up one of my sisters from Salt Lake and get the sinks in both the bathrooms to drain smoothly again. All in all, I'm calling today a total win! And not because of all the things I got done, but because of the fact that I managed to get the laundry folded and put away. Finally! Goal Finally Met!

Bring it, tomorrow!

I leave you alone for ten minutes....

I spent the day out of the house picking up a new oven for our kitchen. I left Mike at home alone, every one needs some alone time now and then. He had a really good day. And I came home to find that he'd cleaned the kitchen, the family room, Rhia's room, rearranged the family room and done two loads of laundry. Thanks Mike!!! I love what happens when I leave you alone at home for a little while!

Yesterday I did laundry, and put away already folded laundry, but I didn't get any new laundry folded. So now I have four piles of laundry waiting to be folded downstairs. I think the next nap time for the kiddlets is going to involve several piles of laundry and hulu. That way I can start next week without a big pile of "Mount Foldmore!" and get a fresh start on my goal. I love the weekend. I always feel so revved up for the week and ready to tackle my challenges when I've had a good, productive-but-not-exhausting weekend.

Have a wonderful Sunday, everybody. I'll talk to you all on Monday!

Missing Monday

I find myself missing Monday, today. There's something Magic about a Monday, when it's the start of a whole new week and you've had time to rest over the weekend. When you've had time to renew your spirit and recharge so you can tackle the tasks of the week with success. I didn't get that this week. I was so tired by Monday that I've dragged all week. And today I had a bit of a migraine, again.

Yet despite all that I feel that today was ok. Mostly because once the majority of the pain and disorientation was gone I did get some very important things done. I washed a load of laundry (go me, that's getting to be quite the habit!) and once again I "made" dinner.  I ran errands with Rhia; picking up a multimeter, and some dishwasher soap. And last I took apart our oven to find out what was wrong with it, and then located a new oven that I'll need to find a way to pick up tomorrow.

So even though the whole first 3/4's of my day was a wash, the rest of it was enough to make me feel better about the first part. There's nothing I can do about how disabled a migraine makes me. I'm lucky that Mike has a job that allows him some degree of flexibility to help with days like today.

Today I've realized that my friend Angelina is right, however. I'm searching for my best me, and that means CHANGING my daily HABITS. And every time I've tried to do this in the past I've started seeing good results, gotten excited, then done too much, overwhelmed myself and then burnt out. And last week, I think that's exactly what happened, leaving me burnt out by the end of the weekend. And then this week, just like my pattern, being burnt out makes me feel like a failure. If I truly want to change my lifestyle and habits I need to focus, exclusively, on one at a time. And once it is a habit that I don't have to think about and I just "DO IT" every day, then I add another one, and then another one, and then another one, etc. Until I find myself at the place I want to be.

So, One Goal, and One Goal Only. And that Goal is to do one load of laundry each day, from wash to putting it away. AND this is the last Goal Revision that I'm allowing myself. No matter what, or how bad I feel, I know I am capable of doing a load of laundry. If I can make it two weeks, fourteen days, without a missed day (less Sundays) then I'll add a second habit.

Let's see how I do, eh?

ps (Isn't it funny that I feel like I'm "cheating" in saying "I made dinner", since all I have to do is throw it in the oven to heat it up? Especially when I DID make it in the first place? Honestly, why do I feel that serving a freezer meal, that I made and that I heated up and put on the table and got ready to eat, is "less" making dinner than spending an hour in the kitchen each night? I need to give myself a break.)

A tracked number grows.......hopefully!

Well, today was a win/fail day. The 'win' part is there because I need to be positive about the changes I am making in my life if I expect to be able to continue tryingto improve. I get discouraged about myself so easily. The fail part is there because I'm just SO very tired. I didn't get any of my goals done today. I got laundry washed and dried, but not put away. I didn't get anything else done in the house and therefore in my quest to establish beter personal housekeeping habits.

What did I do all day? Well, this morning I slept in till Rowan woke me up, thanks to my wonderful mother-in-law. I would have slept at least an hour or two longer, but baby called. I took care of grumpy baby, and active toddler, and only barely got one load of laundry washed. I spentthe day covered in spit up. I took care of a mistake our phone company made. I watched one episode of 'Once Upon a Time'. And I 'cooked' three meals. I threw three meals in the fridge to thaw for tomorrow. Mike and I did some shopping. I spent about an hour playing on the computer with Rhia to teach her her letters. And it's that last one and the meals that makes me feel good about the day. She gets so bored and lonely when I'm tired and don't feel like playing. And it's been a sick year for me, so she's been bored a lot. And spending actual one on one time with her that way felt really good.

I have to admit, the only reason I didn't get any housework done today is total exhaustion. I really wore myself out last weekend. I've been strugling all week to actually get anything done. I've been taught by really successful people that 'a tracked number grows' and I really hope that's true. The whole point of this blog is to give me accountability for my goals, and to give me a place to track my progress. And while I know that today was a good parenting day because I spent good quality time with Rhia, took very good care of Rowan and fed all of us (which was easy because of last weekend); I struggle to feel today was a success because I failed to accomplish any of my personal goals. With a newborn, sometimes you have days like today. But I worry that I'm just not 'good' enough and that I'm using my kids as an excuse to not accomplish anything. I'm so tired. Sometimes it's so hard to find the motivation to get started. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'll keep tracking my progress. If my business friends are right, my progress can only get better as long as I do so. I need sleep. Tomorrow is another day, wish me luck.

P.S. Michael said today that he's had more consecutive meals not made by himself in the last four days than he has in our whole marriage. Go, Me!

Kale and Leeks and Squash, Oh My!

It's Done! We have a whole month's worth of food in our freezer! Wow that's an amazing feeling. It's been a learning experience, that's for sure. Next month I know what to do differently, so it really is one day, instead of three. Boy, I'm tired.

It started out like this.....

I didn't finish chopping Veg on friday night, I got a late start. So Saturday morning (about three hours later than I SHOULD have started,) I started to finish the day before prep work. At noon it looked like this.....

I was quickly running out of bowls. I was also getting tired and I hadn't even started fixing the actual recipes yet. A bit discouraging, but again, I didn't do it right. Next time, I'll start on time and use a food processor. 

I had a second wind once I actually started putting recipes together and seeing meals start to stack up in the freezer. First, I'd set aside the ingredients I needed for each recipe. Then, I threw each recipe together really quickly. Wow, having the ingredients set aside before I started mixing really made the process almost brainless. When I didn't set them aside first I almost doubled the amount of time it took to do each one. Here's how it looked as I was setting aside ingredients. I had a different recipe on each mat.

The second place where things went bad was that our oven is broken. Our stovetop works fine, but the oven doesn't heat up. I'm working on getting it fixed, but in the meantime we're borrowing a countertop oven from a friend. It's great, it will cook up to a 9x13 pan.....but my recipes come in 8x8 pans, and two 8x8s side by side are 16". They would fit fine in a normal oven, but in the countertop oven? not so much. So instead of being able to cook all four servings of each dish that needed pre-cooking at once I had to cook each serving separately, effectively quadrupling my baking time. Needless to say, between that, starting 3 hours later than I'd planned, having to do several hours of prep work that should have been done on Friday and having to take several 30min to One Hour breaks to nurse Rowan, I didn't finish on Saturday. I had about half of the work done, and lots of meals in the freezer, but I had five or six recipes that still needed putting together. If I'd started the day putting together recipes, or if I'd started on time, I'd have been done. So next time? Food processor so that prepping the produce happens faster, and getting it done early on Friday so that it's ready for Saturday. And starting on Saturday morning on time (like 8 a.m.). Also, getting my oven fixed sometime in the next three weeks so that I don't have to spend so long on the baking steps. Between that I should be able to actually manage it in one day next time. And now? It's so easy to fix meals. Loving it! I just have to pick the meals for the next day the night before and put them in the fridge (if they say to thaw before re-heating) and then throw them in the oven or on the stove before we want to eat. Totally Awesome!

Here's how my freezer looks!

 And the cool thing? Those tinfoil pans? They're two deep, like this.

And the food? REALLY TASTY! I'm loving it.

And I've had an interesting development, at church on Sunday a friend heard what I'm doing, and now I might have a once a month cooking buddy! That would be great.

So, updates. It's been a while since my last post, mostly because my baby hasn't wanted to let me get on the computer, he's been very fussy.

Saturday-Spent the day cooking, but I'm calling it a win.

Sunday-Decided Sunday is my day off, as it should be. I'm thinking of making Sunday a spiritual journal posting day, but Rowan's crying again so more on that later.

Monday-Good Day, totally exhausted, and fussing baby, but I got three loads of laundry folded, and one washed and dried. Didn't get my extra goals done, but got my main ones. :-D

Tuesday?-Fail. Got goal #2 done, spent quite a bit of time cleaning up the house. But I didn't get the laundry done, and I didn't get my exercise done.

Today? After I go take care of the crying baby, I'm hoping to make it a Fabulous Day!

Gotta run, Kids need me!

Pop Tarts and Goldfish

Wow, today has flown by! I'm so glad that I finally have a moment to sit down. The kids are both asleep, I still have tons to do, but I need a minute to rest my back

This is going to be a long post. Hope you hang in there, cause it's awesome!

So, pictures from yesterday. My two 15 minute clean/organize the House (and not just my recipe box, lol). I was back in this desk area, because the area above it was quite a mess. There were tons of papers filling our "inbox" green mail station (it was almost to heavy for it's hangers, eek!) and in the basket up above on the shelf (which is our "to mail/to file" station) there were papers (to file, supposedly) filling up the whole basket, and precariously stacked up as high, if not higher, than the file books next to it. It looks much better now, doesn't it?

Scarily, there were things up there (magazines and adds and such) from last Christmas.

Wow my life feels "lighter" now.

That's the last of the update from yesterday, on to today's!

I started the day with an extra hour of sleep (Thanks, Mike-Love) which was very appreciated because Rowan had a rough night and kept me up most of it. I'd meant to get up about seven or eight, because he normally eats around then, and get my day started....g ot up at 9:30 instead. But I've accomplished so much today that I'm not letting myself feel bad about that!

First order of business? A much needed shower! Rowan was asleep; so around 10:30 I gave Mike the baby monitor, loaded Rhia in the car, and went to the Grocery store to try my new budget out! Ready to find out what I'm doing different?

I found this really awesome website called Once a Month Mom. They make menus based on the seasonally available produce and the seasonal sales, then they put them in a list for you with this handy feature. You type in how many people you're feeding for the month, and all the recipes and the master shopping list go "blip, blip, kazoom!" and suddenly the amounts for each recipe reflect the amount of ingredients you need to make the servings you need to feed that meal to your family twice that month. It's really awesome! (there's something like eight dinner recipes, four or five lunch recipes, and three breakfast recipes on each menu) You end up with enough food to get you through most of the month if you're the type of person who likes to eat out a few times a month. If you're not the type to eat out at all??? Just double the number of people you're cooking for, and as long as you're ok eating each meal 4 times that month, you have more than enough to get you through the whole month! That's what I did. I put "6" in the "how many are you feeding" box and it generated my grocery list for me. 

Today I went grocery shopping and tonight and tomorrow I'm going to put it all together. They (the web site) even put it all together so that I don't have to figure out which part of which recipe to do in what order. There's instructions to step me through it so that I use my time in the most efficient manner! I'm so excited! There is a $8/month fee to use the website, but you can download as many menus (and their shopping list, instructions and labels) as you want, so after the first month you only have to pay the $8/month if you want to get new menus each month. There's already something like 2+ years of menus on the website, and they upload a new one each month; again, they base them on the seasonally available produce and the current sales trends.

Now, for me, the best part! How am I saving $500 a month? (I've had someone ask how I SPEND $500/month....well....) This is the embarrassing part for me. But when I started this blog I said that I be honest and accountable, no matter how personally embarrassing or painful it might be. And it's painful to admit this.

I'm a shopaholic.

Really.

Addicted to shopping.

In this post I mentioned briefly that I have trouble keeping the budget balanced and my spending in the budgeted limits. Well when I was pregnant it was even worse. Before I got pregnant I was doing really well, actually. But the minute my brain gets that extra progesterone running through my blood system, my cognitive ability goes through the basement floor! I have a really hard time making rational decisions when I'm pregnant. I'd be at the store, Rhia would be playing with a pair of shoes, and why not? She needed new ones anyway (she did, but still...) I kept telling Mike to take the card away, but it took him several months to realize that I was serious that I needed that kind of intervention. Addicted. Badly. I love it! It's so much fun! (Probably why I'm on such a high today, actually....I got to spend money!)

That's problem number one.

Problem number two? No energy because of my health, and so I'd plan a menu for the week, I'd take the budget for the week (in cash, cause Mike had finally taken away my debit card like I asked him to) and go get groceries. No problem, right? Not so much. No energy, see? So it would be time to make dinner and I wouldn't have the strength to do so, and when Mike would finally get off work he would be to tired to cook, so we'd go get food from McYuck or something. (Part of why I'm so sick all the time? Probably. Processed food makes me really sick.) Because of that we were overspending our food/household expenses budget by almost $100 each week, at least. Some weeks were $200 over or more, before he took my debit card away. And then each week we were throwing away quite a bit of food that spoiled before I got it cooked. I get Migraines (which you know if you've been following this or have known me for any length of time) and one of my biggest triggers is MSG or Yeast Extract. Processed anything is basically poison to me. The soup aisle? Yeah, not a thing on that aisle I can eat. Potatoes Au Gratin? Nope. Stuffing? Nope. Etc, etc, etc....so cooking, in my house, needs to be as "whole food" as possible. Which means lots of produce. Which if you don't use, spoils spectacularly! Huge waste of money, it's like I was just pouring it down the drain! Ugh. Anyway!

We have about $180 budgeted each week for food and misc. household expenses (like diapers, or lightbulbs, etc) We'd usually spend about $80-$140 on food, then use the rest on our misc. stuff. Then we'd overspend (I say "we", I mean "me"). Not counting the overspending (cause it's outside of budgeted expenses, and this is how I cut the budget, but am feeding my family better) we budget for $720 each month.

You ready for this?

Really?

My total grocery bill, today, for a whole month worth of food for a family of "three"? This whole cartload?

$231 and change.

From $720?

Almost $500 difference that we have budgeted for food and expenses, that we normally spend on mostly food, that we wont have to spend on food this month! And all I did was download this months grocery list and recipes from that website!

I have to prep the food tonight, and make it tomorrow, and I'll let you know how that goes; but I'm so excited! Now, instead of trying to scrape a shirt (or a new pair of toddler shoes, or shampoo, or a gift for a friend's birthday or baby shower, etc) out of what ever we have left over after our grocery list, and then inevitably spending almost $100 more than we're supposed to because "stuff happens" and we were eating out and weren't using our groceries we were buying, I've freed up enough funds that I should eliminate our overspending completely, and be able to take better care of our home, car, kids and selves! And! We won't NEED to eat out at all because all I'll have to do is throw a pan in the oven, turn it on, and viola! Here's Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner! Even if I get sick again (God Forbid!) that's such low effort on an average day that I'll be able to manage it. And I don't have to sift through recipes and put it all together, they've done all that work for me already.

Can you tell I'm excited???

So, on to today's complete update.
Fabulous Day!
~Got a load of laundry washed, dried........folded and put away! Finally! (have three more loads to fold and put away, but I finally got one done! *does a little dance*)
~Exercise? I am sore all over from shopping and pushing that cart (man it got heavy!) and then power cleaning for over an hour when I got home. I was gross and sweaty and out of breath, and I'm counting that as exercise.






~Housework? Heck yeah! Got the dirty, junky, moldy, overfull fridge and turned it into an empty thing of beauty, ready to be filled with all the newly acquired groceries!

I even scrubbed it. Isn't it beautiful?

And then I loaded it with bounty! 

That I'm going to actually use this time!

I have to chop, dice and slice, etc. to prep for and make the cooking day tomorrow easier. So my day isn't over yet, but today has been great! I think I might be able to do this thing!

And do you know the best part. Better than anything else? Today's the last day I ever have to feed Rhia pop tarts, applesause and a pile of goldfish for lunch because I don't have anything healthy ready to eat in the house and don't have the energy to make her good food. Thank you, God.

Have a great day, every one!

Holy Freaking $$$, Batman!

Oh my gosh!!! I'm freaking out!

I just figured out how to save us almost $500 on our monthly food budget, and free that money up for things like clothes for Rhia and Rowan (not that we need to buy Rowan clothes for the next year and a half or two) and Me and Mike, projects for the house and shelves and power tools and light bulbs and batteries and and things to help get the house organized. I have to admit to massive distraction today. I spent most of the day working on this. So lots of 15 minute sessions working to help improve my household budget and organization. But not a lot of actual physical improvement....but tomorrow! Woot! Just wait and see!

I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed. I'll tell you all more later...with photos.

"How did I figure this out?" you ask. Long story short, Once A Month Cooking. Intrigued, I sure am! I'll tell you more tomorrow!

In the mean time.

Laundry - Washed and Dried.....I'm having trouble folding, Rhia undoes it while I do it....and hm...just had an IDEA on how to deal with that as I typed it. So Tomorrow should be a Goal Finally Met Day!

Home cleaning and improvement - Check. Did two of three 15 minute cleaning sessions, and tons of time organizing my cooking/shopping lists for the next few months. :-D :-D :-D :-D

Exercise - Went for a walk with Mike and the Kidletts. Also spent an hour walking around the grocery store price checking. (A month ago I had to ride the motor cart in the store, I was too weak to walk, so definite improvement there!)

I'm calling today an unqualified success, and can't wait to do even better tomorrow!

Holy Better Food Budget, Batman! This is so exciting!

'Night!

Musings for a Migraine Day

I have a migraine today. Migraines for me are pretty much incapacitating. This one is almost over, since it started before I ever woke up at seven this morning. So now I'm a bit more coherent and able to make a post, but I'm still pretty out of it. Migraine days are, traditionally, the only time when I give myself an unqualified pass on my to-do's. So my to-do list today consists of "get over this migraine!"

Yesterday's progress, you ask? Sadly, not brilliant. I only got half of Goal A accomplished, totally missed Goal B and once again, the easy half of Goal C is done but those Dratted Clothes aren't folded or put away. However! There was still quantifiable progress made in the order in my home. So for all I was extremely distracted, and kept procrastinating until there was no more time left, I'm calling yesterday a moderate success. 

Part of the reason I'm calling it that way is that a friend recently told me that she's been following my posts ( *blink, blink* I have readers???) and she expressed some concerns. She said

"I think it's really great that you're keeping track of your progress in changing your life. I worry, though, that you're taking on too many goals at once. The individual goals themselves are not a problem - they are manageable. I just worry that working on three every day will cause you to burn out....I would recommend having one goal that you have to do every day and the remaining two goals can be your bonus goals. You'll be much more forgiving of yourself if you don't do all three." 

I have to say I think she's somewhat right. I'm very hard on myself, and even though I've said "I'm calling yesterday a moderate success", I'm really not happy with myself. Expecially because today is a Migraine Day. And I was wondering if I should do something like that, break them down more so that I can check more things off on good days or make them simpler, or something. But I wasn't sure how/what to do to help myself be most productive; and thinking I couldn't do so since I'd set this up for accountability reasons, and if I change it that's just like giving up. And then I got this message from her today (well, this morning, but for migraine reasons didn't get it till this afternoon, lol) and it was like God was telling me "Hey, Girl, don't be too hard on yourself. You'll be your own worst enemy, and greatest stumbling block, if you are!" And he used my friend to do it. In her message she also said 

"I also worry that you're too hard on yourself. You do stuff all the time! You do creative projects, like that baby blanket for your friend and taking pictures of your family every month, the cabinets you were working on last time (we) visited you and Mike, the headboard for your bed. You have accomplished a lot despite your health. And I really doubt that your choice of husband was dumb luck - he is kind and calm and loving and I don't think he sees you the way that you see yourself."

She said more, but one of her ideas will be a post for another day. So here's my thought. The thing I struggle with the absolute most is the whole laundry thing. One of the reasons that I have such a hard time keeping the whole house clean is because clothing ends up all over the house, both clean and unclean, and I loose track of what's clean and what's not. Then when I get stressed and do a "I'm freaking out! I must Tidy!" cleaning spree I end up re-cleaning already clean things. And it's an enormous waste of time, water, electricity and my personal energy. Which leaves me thinking that my main priority needs to be to do one full, start to finish, load of laundry each day. Including the dreaded folding and putting away. Since the thing I need the most to make me more able to do any of these is physical strength, "exercising for 15 minutes each day" is now bonus goal #1! I'm somewhat on top of the whole "15 minutes each day" thing, at least once each day. So I'm going to make "15 minutes of cleaning/de-cluttering-three times a day" my bonus goal #2

If I get my main goal done each day, then the day is a Good Day
If I get my main goal and my #1 bonus goal done each day, then the day is a Great Day
If I get all three done, then it is a Fabulous Day, and I get to take half-an-hour of Guilt-Free-Kid-Free-Personal-Time. i.e. Do my nails, work in my craft room, eat chocolate and read a book, etc. Mike's on board with that idea, so I've got the home front support. And just so no one worries that I'm not giving myself enough "mommy" time, Mike gives me "mommy time" all the time, but I never feel like I deserve it. So giving myself permission to take a moment for myself (which I already do) without the guilt (which I never do), on a day when I feel like I've "earned" it? Fabulous Reward!

Ugh.

Migraine. More posts later. Owweee....

Why 15?

So a friend asked why I picked 15 minutes of housework three times a day as my goal, and not something like one room a day, or two or three parts of the house each day. My answer was that it was something I read on a website once, that "anyone can do anything for 15 minutes". Sometimes, though, the idea of doing a whole room is overwhelming. But you physically set a timer and work for fifteen minutes. And wheither the room is done or not, at fifteen minutes you are! There were a lot of other good ideas on that web site, and I have hopes of putting them into practice eventually, but what I've taken away from it for now is that 15 minutes of housework is something I can do even though I get out of breath and weak and overheated. And it's working!

So my room (or half of it anyway!) is still clean, and check out the before and after of the paperwork desk in my living room! (Well, by "before" I mean half way through...I forgot again to do a before pic.) The clutter was up to the top of the brown box on the back of the desk when I started.

Now it's clear, and the cool thing? It took almost four months to get as bad as it was before the "before" photo, and if I keep this up all year? It'll never be that bad again!

 
.....now I just have to tackle the mess in the background of the photos, too.

But that's a job for another fifteen minutes.

Day One Report

So I have a feeling I'll be posting my reports each morning for the previous day. That way I avoid posting before I finish my to-do's for the day and having a post that says "I haven't done 'x' yet, but will before I go to bed....." Yeah. Right. I know me, it wouldn't get done! So, posting each morning what actually happened the day before.

Also, that way I can also remind myself each day why I need to get things done and that I do really want to reach my goals. Win-win, if I do it well.

So, yesterday was Monday, and my first day working on having a better 30 years. Goal A? Check! Goal B? Check! Goal C?....semi-check...which is a fail overall because I'm channeling Yoda, and there is no try, only do and do not. I got a load of laundry done, I got it dried, I just didn't get it folded and put away. Which I knew was the part that would trip me up with that goal. That's why "fold and put away" was bold and italic on my last post. So fail. But two out of three for my first day is better than the day before, so I'm calling it a win.

I got a good 40 minutes of cleaning and tidying done in my bedroom. I should have taken a before picture, but I hadn't realized that I wanted to post pictures of my progress when I was cleaning, so I just have the finished space. I re-arranged my furniture a bit, and I got everything clean, and the trash taken out. There's no before photo, but I'll just tell you, you could only see the floor in a path from my door to my bed. Yucky. It's much better now. Today? I want to get the other half of the room done (the half you can't see in the photo...lol)

So, today! I need to get my new habits done. I also need to go to the bank and to the post office....I REALLY need to go to the post office. I've been meaning to ship my sister a box for over two months, time to get it done. Getting out of the house with both a toddler and a newborn is challenging. Wish me luck!

A summary of my problems and setting goals

I'm almost 29. Holy Cow. I've always been somewhat mystified by the thought of dreading a birthday, it's just another year, right?

Um, not so much this year.

I'm getting really close to 30, which I never thought would be a problem. But this year? All I can think is "I'm almost 30 what do I have to show for the last 30 years?" I have a wonderful house, a kind and caring husband, and two wonderful children. The only problem is I don't feel I've earned any of it. (Well, my kids I earned, getting them here was really difficult and I was the only one who could do it, and I did!) But everything good in my life I have because I got lucky in my choice of husband. Everything good in my life I have because he provides it, and in return? I don't even make dinner regularly or keep his shirts pressed or keep his house clean or keep the budget balanced (and my spending under control). Without him I don't know where I'd be, but I know it wouldn't be nearly as nice a place as I find myself in now, and I don't feel that I deserve it.

You see, I didn't finish High School despite being fairly intelligent, I've never finished college, I've never accomplished my career goals, I've never followed through with my piano or voice lessons, I keep making my husband go deeper in debt (granted it's mostly medical debt, but still). I've been constantly sick for the last five years and I have gotten in the nasty habit of having others do everything for me because I've been too ill to do so, I've spent the last year in bed or lying on the couch because I was pregnant and suffer from Hyperemesis Gravidarum and was so sick that I needed a lot of help to take care of my two-year-old toddler and house. As a result of all of this I'm so out of shape I can't enjoy a day at the park with my kids, or walk up and down the stairs several times while trying to clean my house, or go hiking with my husband (his favorite outdoor sport). I've been very inactive in my church which is difficult for me because my faith is a huge part of my personal identity. I'm overwhelmed by the clutter in my home, clutter I dream of having organized but don't truly believe I'll ever be strong enough to manage. I have so many talents and skills and capabilities, and I'm not using them to bless my family's life nearly as much as I want to because I'm so weak physically. I've recently been diagnosed with a degenerative inner ear disease which leaves me unable to stand, walk or drive for several hours when I have an attack from it, and all of these together make me feel like a complete failure as a mom, a housewife, a wife and a human being.

I know what I need to do.

I'm just scared I won't be able to do it.

I know that somewhere inside myself is the ability to change my life. I'm just need to find it in myself. Somewhere in the last 20 years I lost myself. When I was a child I was a very confident and strong willed kid who didn't let anything stop her and who didn't doubt herself. But between ten and twenty I got completely lost, I developed bad habits and I lost my self-confidence. And there are valid reasons for that, but that's a whole different painful long story (maybe someday I'll post it) and the reasons don't matter, what matters is the result. Between twenty and twenty-four I worked hard to find myself again, and made good progress, but in the last five years I've been so sick, and it's been so easy to let others take care of me and fall back into very lazy habits. I'm actually worse than I ever was before. I hate myself.

And I don't want to feel like this about myself anymore.

So! To begin. My end goals, which I want to complete before October 1, 2013, are:
-A home where everything has a home and the clutter is manageable and the paperwork is organized.
-To habitually care for my children and my home without feeling that I'll never measure up.
-To do things for myself instead of always asking for help.
-The ability to go hiking and play with the kids without ending up sick in bed for the next three days.
-To habitually spend at least one day a week utilizing my field of talents working on large home improvement projects.
-To spend ten hours each week working to earn money with my home business.
and finally, to run a marathon.

And since a big goal is always best broken down into smaller goals, we'll start with the ones that seem the most possible to me: being healthy and having good housekeeping habits. Truthfully they all seem impossible, but those two seem feasible considering I was on the way to achieving them last year at this time (before I got pregnant).

Reclaiming Me!: Week One Starter Goals
Goal A: To exercise for 15 minutes each day
Goal B: To spend 15 minutes doing housework, three times a day, each day. (Yes, I'm bad enough that I need such a small goal to start with. Truthfully, just that seems very difficult and overwhelming and almost impossible to me.)
Goal C: To wash, dry, fold and put away one load of laundry each day.

Wish me luck!

Reclaiming Me!

I'm not in the best "place" right now. In fact I'm in a really Bad Place! I need to regain my physical strength and health, I need to stop being "co-dependent," I need to get some order in my life and I need to develop good daily habits.

And I've decided that since no one can make these changes except myself, and I can't trust myself to follow through, I need some form of accountability. So I'm starting this blog, to chronicle my journey to find myself again, to reclaim me. And I'm sharing it with everyone who wants to read it, no mater how personally embarrassing or painful it might be for me. And I'm giving my readers permission to call me out if I slack off on my goals or fail to keep them updated on my progress. Maybe no one will read this. I've never understood the whole "blog" thing, so I don't know what inspires a person to follow one. But knowing that I have put this out here and that I need to update it each day with my progress will, I hope, give me the incentive to change my life. Let the reclaiming begin!