Before I say this let me ask, gently, please don't criticize me for my feelings about motherhood and my children lately. I know it hasn't been good. This is just where I've been for a while.
I fell back into a very dark place, where I found myself thinking almost every ten minutes, "I just don't want to be mom for a while...". Every day I would get stuck in this funk. I didn't want to wake up, I resented my husband's work and his steadiness and reliability at going to work every day when I just wanted a break, I've spent a lot of time "leaking" tears of quiet despair. I wanted so badly to just have a week to myself where I could be ME, and not just "Mommy." I haven't been a good housewife, or a good wife, at all. Bare---Essential---Minimums. That has been all that I've been capable of. My kids have been fed, clothed, changed and had their physical needs met. I'm afraid that I've struggled to provide more than the bare minimum of their emotional demand, though. And through it all, I've cried and cried. I love them so much, yet I couldn't get past this feeling that I just wanted them to Leave Me ALONE!
Then, this weekend, I had a small revelation.
A month ago I was doing ok. I was tired (what mother of a five-month-old isn't?) but I was getting things done and doing my best to balance my needs with the needs of my family. Then, a great thing happened for a associate of mine, she made Sales Director. At her debut I was so inspired. I was so excited, because I was FINALLY working my own business better than I ever had. I was going to be in her shoes, hopefully in just a few months. I was building my own momentum and I was sure this was my time.
On my way home from her Directorship Debut, I started composing my own Debut speech in my head. Most debut speeches in my field have similar formats. You start by describing your life before you began your career, the changes this career hs made in your life, and the feelings you've had as it's blossomed, then go on with where you're headed and how you'd like to get there. There's thanks to those who've helped you, and praise for those who've taught and mentored you.
Well, I spent a few days thinking about what I wanted to say.....the problem was that I got stuck on "before the decision to build my own business....etc,etc,etc." I kept thinking I needed to sit down and write it out, make it as short as possible and then move on. There have been a lot of good things in my life, and I know that. But it's the pain that we overcome that writes a story of triumph. And my thoughts, because I didn't write it down and move on, became focused on the pain that came before.
Well, this weekend was a two day training conference that I attended. Part of this conference was lessons on overcoming poor attitude and negative thoughts. It was during this conference that I realized what had started my very QUICK decent into deep depression. Almost as though I could feel someone prompting me to Just Write It Down, I picked up my pen, stopped taking notes, and then wrote down my back-story. It took just over one-third of a page. I then followed it up with almost two pages of notes about the positive changes that having my own business has made in my life, and the choices I've made that have benefited my family and my own personal growth because of it.
And I felt so much better. Suddenly the world opened up again, and I could feel myself bringing my thoughts and spirit more closely into alignment with God's desires for my life. I know that what we think about, we bring about. I know that our attitude determines our altitude. I believe in the law of attraction. And yet I totally missed it. I am very outspoken about speaking positively about ones self. I do not tolerate negative self-talk in any of my friends. And yet, my husband pointed out yesterday, I am very poor at applying the same rules to myself.
And then today, while I was leading the music at the end of our Sacrament service, a hymn I've heard all my life (and truthfully disdained a bit, because when you're in a dark place and someone tells you to "think a happy thought" you just want to smack them) was sung as the closing hymn. As I listened to the words, and thought over the progress I've made the last few months, I remembered:
Sitting down at the computer, several times, to write a negative post. Then reading a few of my past accomplishments before writing, and having such a change of heart that the previously negative post I'd all but written in my mind came out as being challenged, but hopeful to overcome my challenges and aware of the things I HAD done.
Just yesterday, being on the verge of walking out of my conference, because I just didn't see the point anymore, and then taking a moment to purge the past as quickly and painlessly as possible, get it all out, and then not only set it aside, but to illustrate the changes and differences in me since I began my sales career. To acknowledge the accomplishments and strides I'd made, and to outline the hopes and the vision I had for my future.
Eight years ago, when a caring Bishop advised me to write in my Journal, every night, three things about my roommates that I liked. And the way that had helped me to deal kindly with them.
That I had told Mike yesterday that I needed to take time each day to write down the good things in our life, because I seem to function best when I take a moment each day to be grateful and to acknowledge the good things.And as the words of the hymn "Count Your Blessings" were sung, such a powerful affirmation came over me. I knew in that moment that I just might have finally come to understand the truth of that message. It does not mean "you know, you really should be grateful, because somewhere there's someone else who is suffering more" (which I've been told SO many times) It's tied in to so many other principles, and I've only today begun tying them together in my heart. It means that it's not just about "thinking good thoughts" but about pro-actively doing something each day, and especially when you're down, to ward off the feelings and desires of the Adversary. It speaks to us, not to say "you should be grateful, you know, dolt!" but to remind us of a divine pattern that has always been present, we've just forgotten about it. It's not a mocking message of "chin up! Despite it all." It's a message to us of EXACTLY HOW to overcome those negative feelings we're sometimes plagued by.
So this beautiful Sunday Evening, as I renew my own dedication to take a moment each day for gratitude; not only for the things I have, but for the things I'm learning and the progress I'm making in life; may I extol the virtue of both the process of being grateful and the practice of writing it down. And, may I implore you to take up both practices in your own life, especially if you find yourself in a dark and desperate place; looking to the heavens and asking "HOW am I supposed to have joy in this life?!?"
He hears us, and he answers in so many ways. We just have to be willing to listen. I leave you with the words of my new favorite hymn.
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.
God Bless You All!
Crystal
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