Overcoming Myself

I've had three fantastic days! Monday, I got two loads washed and dried, and I got one load folded. I put away the load I folded and the load that I already had folded but hadn't been put away for several days. So it was two loads washed and dried, one load folded, and two loads put away on Monday! Tuesday I got one load washed and dried, two loads folded AND put away! There was nothing in my washer or dryer, and nothing waiting to be put away!

Success! I'm supper happy about my progress this week. I think next week I might even add a second goal.

I've spent a lot of time in organizations that promote the power of positive thinking, and analyzing your feelings and thoughts to find the root cause of a behavior. There's two or three things I've changed in the last week that I think have made my recent success possible.

First, last week when I thought about doing laundry I would get so frustrated, putting it away seems pointless because Rhia always pulls all her clothes out of her drawers within a few hours of getting them put away. They end up all over the floor and it's a huge mess. I had looked up how to baby proof a sliding closet door, but couldn't find anything that worked for our doors. Well, I decided that if I was ever going to meet my goal I needed to eliminate the cause of that negativity and I finally found a Patio Door lock, and used some drywall/hollow door anchors for the screws, installed the lock, and viola! She can't open the closet anymore. (We even have locks on the drawers of her little clothes dresser, and she knows how to open them, so they only helped for the week before she figured it out!) The great thing is the lock is up above my head, so she CAN'T get to it! One negative associated with laundry and making it feel pointless down!

Second, I feel like I'm washing the same clothes over and over, because she's always pulling them out of her closet (which I've fixed now) and because there's a lot of her clothes that are too small, and I put them in a pile to give away, she gets into the pile, dad cleans up one day (so thankful he's so helpful around the house, I really got lucky with him!) and doesn't know they're too small, he throws them in the laundry room thinking they're dirty, and I end up washing clean clothes again and again. I would think about doing the laundry, and that would make me think of all the time it would take to go through Rhia's clothes and Rowan's clothes, and my clothes and Mike's and sort out what doesn't fit/is worn out. That would make me feel overwhelmed and as though my effort was never going to measure up. My solution? I bought a new laundry basket. I dedicated it to only one purpose. It sits next to the washer and dryer. When I'm folding laundry, if it's too small for either of my kidlets then I throw it in the basket. The beautiful thing is that Rhia doesn't play with the laundry in the basement because she doesn't like dirty clothes and she knows if it's downstairs that it's dirty....lol. So now the clothes we have outgrown have a designated home to gather in before being given away!

Third, I'm forgetful, and tired, and have a newborn, and though i start a load every day, some days I just can't get downstairs to get it dried, then I have to restart it t he next day cause it smells bad. More feelings of frustration and pointlessness. Well, i figured this one out, too. My washing machine has a button on it that says "8 hour delay". Beautiful button! I load up the laundry before I go to bed for the night, adjust the settings, add soap, turn on the eight hour delay, hit start and go to bed. In the morning I throw it in the dryer. Now, instead of having to remember-twice-to head downstairs, I only have to find time in the day to get down there once. Starting each load the night before has made it so much easier!

Last, I was folding laundry Monday, after putting up the locks over the weekend and getting the basket, and I was feeling like it was just so hard! And I thought "there's no reason to feel that way, you've analyzed the things that were making this hard on you, and resolved them. Now, how are you going to change the way you feel about laundry?" I remembered one of the key things about changing habits that I'd been taught in my professional life and church. When in a funk or bad place, say something positive! I started repeating over and over, while folding the clothes, "doing the laundry is easy!" I added the steps I want to take each day, and by the time I had the two loads folded I had a little positive affirmation chant.

It goes like this:
"Doing the laundry is easy,
I start a load each night!
I dry it in the morning,
then fold and put away that load-when it is dry!"

And that night and the next morning, and today? I did!

And the Tables Turn!

Today, I think will be a good day. Not just a good day, but a day I make good. And there is a difference. Over the last few weeks I've dealt with me and both kids being ill, myself twice, done a Cooking for the Month day (which was much less successful than our last, my apologies to God for the waste....) but has been adequate to feed us, at least. All in all I should feel great about myself. I've been sick, for crying out loud.

When I sat down to write this, I was feeling really down on myself. I have realized, again, why writing is so important. As I wrote, I realized something important. I HAVE been making progress. I have one goal. One! Not thirty, not ten, not even three! Just one. To do a load of laundry from start to finish. Washed, dried and put away.

Today? I did it! First time in two weeks! And I was feeling so bad that it's been two weeks since my last successful "goal" day. Then I wrote that I did it, and I remembered that two weeks ago I had a successful "goal met" day, too. And as I cast my mind back, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time before that that I managed a to get a whole load of laundry actually put away, without someone else doing it for me. And that the fact that I've done it twice in the last month (and done countless loads of laundry that are clean but not put away in the mean time...) is a huge improvement over "never even washing laundry". Yes, I still can't find any clean clothes, because they aren't put away. But I did it today! Got a load put away. There were some for me, some for Rhia, some for Rowan and some for Daddy. A little bit for everyone, put away where they belong and easy to find.

Ah...my order loving heart feels great about that.

We're desperate for clean towels, so I'm doing a second load today out of necessity.

My embarrassing before picture, let's see what it looks like by Friday, eh?

Hopefully, while tracking my numbers they'll continue to grow. Someday, I'll have a clean laundry room, and closets that are in order. One day at a time, I'll conquer Mount Wash-More!

One month, down.

Well, it's been almost a month since I started this blog. It's funny but the things that have changed seem so small to me on some days, and quite big on others. I still haven't gotten the laundry put away. I wash and wash and wash, and yet we never have clothes where they belong because I just can't seem to get them put away. Is my will power so weak? And yet on a good front, I've been making good meals for my family much more often. The benefit of cooking once a month.

Our cooking weekend this month had lots of complications, though. I didn't manage to get three of the recipes for the month made before the food went bad. I'm feeling like such a failure. Despite having a freezer full of other types of food I just feel so inadequate. I was curled up on the couch last night, crying, and said to Michael that I shouldn't have purchased the food until the weekend. (I'd been having a panic attack about needing to get more meals in our freezer since we were out, so I went shopping on Wednesday, I don't know what I was thinking since the food just sat there until the weekend, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it all on Saturday because I had prior commitments...I really should have waited.) He said "That's ok, we'll know that for next time." He's so good to me. I don't know why. He even suggested that we get a babysitter next time, so that he and I can spend the day together in the kitchen and get it all done in one day (for real this time). I'm really excited for that.

See what I mean....mood swings. I feel so bad about how this month is turning out, and yet I'm very excited that it's going to keep going somewhere positive if I keep with it.

I need to clean my house. It's a mess....I just know it wont be today. Rhia and Rowan (and I) are very sick today. And Rowan got his immunizations yesterday. I see lots of baby holding and comforting in my future. And so here I am again. With feelings in both directions. I'm so glad that I can sit with my kids in the living room and just make sure we get well soon and Michael knows that I'm doing my best to take care of the kids and myself while being sick so he's not upset with me for getting "just" childcare done today. I'm greatful for that. And at the same time I'm so upset that ONCE AGAIN I feel so yucky that I don't have the energy to clean and organize my home.

Will it ever really get better? I know that I'll never give up, but sometimes I doubt that I'll ever succeed.

My roadtrip to Thirty

So. I'm twenty-nine, now. It was my birthday yesterday. I had a really good day, but really mixed feelings about turning twenty-nine.

The bad feelings? Twenty-Nine and have finished so few of my personal developmental life goals.

The good feelings? I have a whole year until I'm Thirty and so much change can happen in a year. I have so much I can do to be where I want to be by Thirty.

The frustrated feelings? Rowan has started to get really fussy whenever he's not eating, which means I'm holding-rocking-swaying-soothing ALL day long. Even when he's asleep. He falls asleep, or is almost asleep, and if I put him down he wakes up screaming. I can't get anything done! I know he'll get over it eventually but in the meantime it's so frustrating. There's so much I want to DO with my life right now, and all I can do is hold him. There's moments when holding him is all I want to do, and I'm very aware that he's going to grow up SO fast and then I'll miss holding my brand new baby. I know that. I WANT to be able to just hold and cuddle and enjoy him. But why can't he sleep without being held so that I can spend SOME time devoted to just Rhia, too? And get my laundry done? And MAYBE get a room or two tidied? I'm frustrated that he's being SO needy that I have NO balance and that lack of balance is making it hard to unreservedly enjoy his newborn stage. He's my last baby, I really want to cherish every moment. It's so hard to do so when my house is such a mess that I can't relax.

Hopefully I can figure something out so that I am not so restricted in my ability to do things and comfort him at the same time. I have a baby wrap but he doesn't like it. I think I'm gonna have to try a couple other baby carier types. He doesn't like the wrap or our baby bjorn front carier. I wonder if he'll like a sling?.....?

Well, I guess that gives me a first priority project to accomplish first thing tomorrow. Find a sling to try out with him. Last week was another wash, goal wise. I was really sick the first half of the week, and with Rowan being so fussy the whole week I just didn't get anything done.

But tomorrow is Monday. I love Mondays. Let's hope this week is better!

Ciao!