Reformating

I've had to take several days to decide how I want to continue this blog. I'm in a completely different place than I was two years ago, yet there are vast similarities. I still need to set and achieve small goals. I still need to keep a positive outlook. Yet, I also need a place to record my feelings and my struggle as I deal with my illness. I need a place to explain myself and how my illness affects me. I'm in so much pain, so much of the time. While I do my best to stay positive, I also need a place to honestly express that "No! I'm not OK!"

So I've decided to split each post into sections: Family Fun, POTS Education, Truthful Feelings and Looking Forward.

Family Fun will have cheerful updates about the beauty of my life, the joy I take in watching my children grow, and the things we're accomplishing.

POTS Education will share about how my life is impacted by my illness. Sometimes it will be science and facts, and sometimes it will be a journal of personal experience detailing how life and the "fun times" affect me.

Truthful Feelings will be my expression section. This area is where I will allow myself to be honest about my progress and my feelings. I believe strongly in positive thinking, and my "voice" online tends to sugar coat how things are by focusing on the positive. I've had family and friends assume I was getting better, because I try so hard to present my struggle in a positive light, even when feeling daunted. Here, I'll allow myself (perhaps even force myself) to actually tell it how it is. Even if it's bad.

And finally, in Looking Forward I'll focus on the positive, again. Because I must keep looking forward! As much as I need to be able to have a place to express my pain, I cannot have that place be one of only sorrow or loss. This is where tomorrow's goals will be updated and where I'll put the brave face back on. Every step I take hurts, but the hurt is tied up together with hope, and this is where hope will speak.

See you 'round the webs!
Crystal

Straight up, or sideways!

There's a country song, popular in its time, which says "When you hit rock bottom, you've got two ways to go: Straight Up or Sideways!" I've spent two years struggling up and skittering sideways. I don't know that it will change anytime soon, but I know that the last time I truly felt I was balancing well was when I was blogging regularly.

So here I go, again.

I've been sick, I am sick. I may never be better. We have family living with us because I'm not well enough to care for my kids on my own, more than a few hours lays me out in bed. My capabilities are at an all time low, but this time we know why. I've struggled through Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sorrow and flirted with Acceptance. Restarting my blog is another step towards acceptance.

I posted a while back about starting IV therapy. Ultimately my doctor and I decided that it seems to provide me the most benefit during the summer months. Lately I've been doing my physical therapy at the local pool with a water aerobics class. It seems to be good and I've stuck with it more consistently than any other form of exercise I've tried.

I keep relapsing, however. Just this last week and a half I've had a really nasty chest cold. I've been barely able to even sit up for more than an hour or two at a time, and I've lost a lot of the progress I'd been making.

I have to admit that I'm tired, frustrated, sad and exhausted. I'm tied of trying. I'm tired of being less than I know I could be if I had my strength back. I'm just so tired of sick.

But I've learned one very important thing about myself. I always keep going. I am unstoppable. "Going" for me right now means getting out of bed for more than two or three hours at a time, yet I do it! Being "unstoppable" doesn't mean what it did for me even three years ago; then it meant large projects and superhuman results. Now, it means baby steps! But I still make them.

My current goal? Get over this cold.
After that? Begin establishing daily habits again. Even if they're small ones. Perhaps especially because they're small ones!