Migraines.
Even medicated they knock me out for four to twelve hours. I had a bad one today. I was out cold once I admited defeat and went back to bed, until 3:30. The worst part is that I'd promissed Michael that I'd give him the day off from daddy duty. He works so hard to help me have time to get things done that I need to take care of, and he wanted some time for his things for a while now.
And I had to reneg. I tried not to. I knew I had a migraine coming on. But I stayed up with the kids for two hours, before I told him I just couldn't do it. I texted a friend at church and asked her to cover my responsibilities there, and I didn't even wait for a response, I just went to bed. When I woke up I took the kids out for a drive so we could give dad some time alone. I still wasn't great then, but at least I was safe enough by then to drive.
What I'm struggling so hard with is the feelings of self-worthlessnes that overwhelm me when my best laid plans are blown to bits by something I have no control over. The severity of the migraines I get are a genuine disability. But I can't seem to find the ability to forgive myself for having them. I feel so much guilt when they cause me to be unable to keep my commitments.
The only thing that gets me through a migraine day is knowing it'll most likely be over tomorrow, and I should have at least two to five weeks before I have another. Durring that time I should be able to BE ME. I've already written down the six most important things I have to do tomorow. And I'm hopeful that it'll be a good day. I love mondays.
In the meantime? I wish I wasn't like this. I really don't like it.
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