One month, down.

Well, it's been almost a month since I started this blog. It's funny but the things that have changed seem so small to me on some days, and quite big on others. I still haven't gotten the laundry put away. I wash and wash and wash, and yet we never have clothes where they belong because I just can't seem to get them put away. Is my will power so weak? And yet on a good front, I've been making good meals for my family much more often. The benefit of cooking once a month.

Our cooking weekend this month had lots of complications, though. I didn't manage to get three of the recipes for the month made before the food went bad. I'm feeling like such a failure. Despite having a freezer full of other types of food I just feel so inadequate. I was curled up on the couch last night, crying, and said to Michael that I shouldn't have purchased the food until the weekend. (I'd been having a panic attack about needing to get more meals in our freezer since we were out, so I went shopping on Wednesday, I don't know what I was thinking since the food just sat there until the weekend, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it all on Saturday because I had prior commitments...I really should have waited.) He said "That's ok, we'll know that for next time." He's so good to me. I don't know why. He even suggested that we get a babysitter next time, so that he and I can spend the day together in the kitchen and get it all done in one day (for real this time). I'm really excited for that.

See what I mean....mood swings. I feel so bad about how this month is turning out, and yet I'm very excited that it's going to keep going somewhere positive if I keep with it.

I need to clean my house. It's a mess....I just know it wont be today. Rhia and Rowan (and I) are very sick today. And Rowan got his immunizations yesterday. I see lots of baby holding and comforting in my future. And so here I am again. With feelings in both directions. I'm so glad that I can sit with my kids in the living room and just make sure we get well soon and Michael knows that I'm doing my best to take care of the kids and myself while being sick so he's not upset with me for getting "just" childcare done today. I'm greatful for that. And at the same time I'm so upset that ONCE AGAIN I feel so yucky that I don't have the energy to clean and organize my home.

Will it ever really get better? I know that I'll never give up, but sometimes I doubt that I'll ever succeed.