Sunday Musing

It's been a very difficult month.

Before I say this let me ask, gently, please don't criticize me for my feelings about motherhood and my children lately. I know it hasn't been good. This is just where I've been for a while.

I fell back into a very dark place, where I found myself thinking almost every ten minutes, "I just don't want to be mom for a while...". Every day I would get stuck in this funk. I didn't want to wake up, I resented my husband's work and his steadiness and reliability at going to work every day when I just wanted a break, I've spent a lot of time "leaking" tears of quiet despair. I wanted so badly to just have a week to myself where I could be ME, and not just "Mommy." I haven't been a good housewife, or a good wife, at all. Bare---Essential---Minimums. That has been all that I've been capable of. My kids have been fed, clothed, changed and had their physical needs met. I'm afraid that I've struggled to provide more than the bare minimum of their emotional demand, though. And through it all, I've cried and cried. I love them so much, yet I couldn't get past this feeling that I just wanted them to Leave Me ALONE!

Then, this weekend, I had a small revelation.

A month ago I was doing ok. I was tired (what mother of a five-month-old isn't?) but I was getting things done and doing my best to balance my needs with the needs of my family. Then, a great thing happened for a associate of mine, she made Sales Director. At her debut I was so inspired. I was so excited, because I was FINALLY working my own business better than I ever had. I was going to be in her shoes, hopefully in just a few months. I was building my own momentum and I was sure this was my time.

On my way home from her Directorship Debut, I started composing my own Debut speech in my head. Most debut speeches in my field have similar formats. You start by describing your life before you began your career, the changes this career hs made in your life, and the feelings you've had as it's blossomed, then go on with where you're headed and how you'd like to get there. There's thanks to those who've helped you, and praise for those who've taught and mentored you.

Well, I spent a few days thinking about what I wanted to say.....the problem was that I got stuck on "before the decision to build my own business....etc,etc,etc." I kept thinking I needed to sit down and write it out, make it as short as possible and then move on. There have been a lot of good things in my life, and I know that. But it's the pain that we overcome that writes a story of triumph. And my thoughts, because I didn't write it down and move on, became focused on the pain that came before.

Well, this weekend was a two day training conference that I attended. Part of this conference was lessons on overcoming poor attitude and negative thoughts. It was during this conference that I realized what had started my very QUICK decent into deep depression. Almost as though I could feel someone prompting me to Just Write It Down, I picked up my pen, stopped taking notes, and then wrote down my back-story. It took just over one-third of a page. I then followed it up with almost two pages of notes about the positive changes that having my own business has made in my life, and the choices I've made that have benefited my family and my own personal growth because of it.

And I felt so much better. Suddenly the world opened up again, and I could feel myself bringing my thoughts and spirit more closely into alignment with God's desires for my life. I know that what we think about, we bring about. I know that our attitude determines our altitude. I believe in the law of attraction. And yet I totally missed it. I am very outspoken about speaking positively about ones self. I do not tolerate negative self-talk in any  of my friends. And yet, my husband pointed out yesterday, I am very poor at applying the same rules to myself.

And then today, while I was leading the music at the end of our Sacrament service, a hymn I've heard all my life (and truthfully disdained a bit, because when you're in a dark place and someone tells you to "think a happy thought" you just want to smack them) was sung as the closing hymn. As I listened to the words, and thought over the progress I've made the last few months, I remembered:

Sitting down at the computer, several times, to write a negative post. Then reading a few of my past accomplishments before writing, and having such a change of heart that the previously negative post I'd all but written in my mind came out as being challenged, but hopeful to overcome my challenges and aware of the things I HAD done. 

Just yesterday, being on the verge of walking out of my conference, because I just didn't see the point anymore, and then taking a moment to purge the past as quickly and painlessly as possible, get it all out, and then not only set it aside, but to illustrate the changes and differences in me since I began my sales career. To acknowledge the accomplishments and strides I'd made, and to outline the hopes and the vision I had for my future.

Eight years ago, when a caring Bishop advised me to write in my Journal, every night, three things about my roommates that I liked. And the way that had helped me to deal kindly with them. 

That I had told Mike yesterday that I needed to take time each day to write down the good things in our life, because I seem to function best when I take a moment each day to be grateful and to acknowledge the good things.

And as the words of the hymn "Count Your Blessings" were sung, such a powerful affirmation came over me. I knew in that moment that I just might have finally come to understand the truth of that message. It does not mean "you know, you really should be grateful, because somewhere there's someone else who is suffering more" (which I've been told SO many times) It's tied in to so many other principles, and I've only today begun tying them together in my heart. It means that it's not just about "thinking good thoughts" but about pro-actively doing something each day, and especially when you're down, to ward off the feelings and desires of the Adversary. It speaks to us, not to say "you should be grateful, you know, dolt!" but to remind us of a divine pattern that has always been present, we've just forgotten about it. It's not a mocking message of "chin up! Despite it all." It's a message to us of EXACTLY HOW to overcome those negative feelings we're sometimes plagued by.

So this beautiful Sunday Evening, as I renew my own dedication to take a moment each day for gratitude; not only for the things I have, but for the things I'm learning and the progress I'm making in life; may I extol the virtue of both the process of being grateful and the practice of writing it down. And, may I implore you to take up both practices in your own life, especially if you find yourself in a dark and desperate place; looking to the heavens and asking "HOW am I supposed to have joy in this life?!?"

He hears us, and he answers in so many ways. We just have to be willing to listen. I leave you with the words of my new favorite hymn.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, 

When you are discouraged thinking all is lost, 

Count your many blessings; name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

God Bless You All!
Crystal

Mommy love

So it's been a week! I got ALL the laundry in the house washed. Now I'm just trying to get it folded. It's taking me DAYS. If I wasn't a mom it would be done already, but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, and I just have to keep remembering that. I got something like nine new facial apointments booked last week. Which means I have to finish my taxes and stuff by tomorrow so my new year accounting is good to begin. I also need the house clean, because people are going to be coming for facials, and I really can't have it a disaster when they do. I also have two baby blankets I'm trying to finish, and a large sewing project for my own kids I need to get done. Is it any wonder I called my mom today feeling overwhelmed? She gave me a big hug over the phone, and reminded me that having two small ones is genuinely difficult to handle, and feeling like I can't keep up is normal and to just love myself and take a deep breath. I love my mommy. Now to go take care of my baby who just started crying again, and give mommy love to my kids in turn.

Forgiving Things I Can't Change

Migraines.

Even medicated they knock me out for four to twelve hours. I had a bad one today. I was out cold once I admited defeat and went back to bed, until 3:30. The worst part is that I'd promissed Michael that I'd give him the day off from daddy duty. He works so hard to help me have time to get things done that I need to take care of, and he wanted some time for his things for a while now.

And I had to reneg. I tried not to. I knew I had a migraine coming on. But I stayed up with the kids for two hours, before I told him I just couldn't do it. I texted a friend at church and asked her to cover my responsibilities there, and I didn't even wait for a response, I just went to bed. When I woke up I took the kids out for a drive so we could give dad some time alone. I still wasn't great then, but at least I was safe enough by then to drive.

What I'm struggling so hard with is the feelings of self-worthlessnes that overwhelm me when my best laid plans are blown to bits by something I have no control over. The severity of the migraines I get are a genuine disability. But I can't seem to find the ability to forgive myself for having them. I feel so much guilt when they cause me to be unable to keep my commitments.

The only thing that gets me through a migraine day is knowing it'll most likely be over tomorrow, and I should have at least two to five weeks before I have another. Durring that time I should be able to BE ME. I've already written down the six most important things I have to do tomorow. And I'm hopeful that it'll be a good day. I love mondays.

In the meantime? I wish I wasn't like this. I really don't like it.

A Jumping Off Point

How good it feels to have two days in a week that are good days, again. It's been almost a month since I've felt this accomplished. I'm excited to keep moving from here. Everything got "let go" from the beginning of the month, to the beginning of this week. And doing the work to get my family back on track feels really good.

Last night before I went to bed I wrote down the six most important things I had to do today.

Exercise was first
Laundry was second
those are my two main priorities right now, as I've made clear. And notice I said "was".......'cause they're done!!!

Third through Fifth are things for my business, and I've accomplished the first two-I'll have to wait to do the last until the kids cooperate (read: "take a nap!")

Sixth is a cost estimate I have to put together for my big project I'm working on for my mom. I'm gonna try to work on that next.

I've also kept the kids happy, fed, engaged in learning and entertained.
Today, I'm supper mom!

Up, up and away!

Getting back on the ...... great balancing act.

Life is such a balancing act.

I have to admit my balance has been terrible this month. I burnt out right at the beginning of the month, just after my last post. Spent the next few weeks "hiding" from myself and my life, and the last week and a half buried in a project I took on that I was way optimistic about my ability to do speedily. I gave myself an unrealistic deadline, and the project is done, but it's been rough on my family (specifically on my kids and husband). I'm hoping to get back on the horse/wagon/etc, now that the project is "finished"

( though it's the type of project that could take me months, truthfully, with revisions and changes and edits...I'm helping my mom with blueprints for a house she's hoping to get built. Pray for her, if you have time, she's found a program that MAY help her to get a loan to rebuild, since her current home is falling down. And if you're feeling generous check out this site)

I worked out today. First time this year. My end of year goal is 500+ "miles". I have the Leslie Sansone "Walk at Home" DVDs and I LOVE them. The cool thing is she has free "sample" videos on her web site, so you don't have to buy the dvds to actually use her program. You walk in place in your front room to the rhythm of the music, and after a certain time she tells you you've gone a mile, two miles, etc. No treadmill, no fancy gym membership. Just me and my little girl and my TV. Awesome. I hope this is the start of a beautiful phase of my life. I want to have the energy to accomplish my goals, and the only way I'll be able to do that is if I regain my strength. That means working out.

"What about my laundry?", you say. It's a work in progress. It's worse than ever, right now, but I did get a load in today. Here's to reaffirming my habits and working on making them more permanant.

One load each day,
One mile each day-until I can do more than that, and then we'll make it more.

I wish you all luck in your endeavors, too!

A week in the life....

It's been a CRAZY week. We got our cooking for the month done on Saturday  with a small bit of work left over on Sunday. Once again, I DIDN'T do the prep work the night before, so if I had, we'd have been done on Saturday. I'm also getting less than happy with the once a month mom website. The first month was great, the second month and last month the menus had SO many errors. But I've liked a lot of the recipes so far. I think we'll be ending our membership with them soon, though. Especially as we've made a lot of progress on our own software. Not as much progress as I wanted (blasted migraines!) but some good progress.

I've managed to get so much done this week, but not spaced out each day like I want to, but in big clumps of effort followed by days of tired....which defeats the point of trying to establish new habits. I've been so busy, it's been hard to maintain my habits. But I've gotten about three or four loads of laundry washed and dried today, and half of them folded -(I plan to get the other half tomorrow!)- which is more than I've done since Christmas (we were getting pretty naked, not that my husband minds.....but the neighbors.....I'm sure they would!).

Tuesday I spent the day at the University with a rented vendor table and was able to get 11 new bookings for my Mary Kay business, so excited! (It was a much smaller result than I had hoped for, so I've had to talk myself into being excited, but I am, it's a good start!)

I've gotten cleaning and laundry and Mary Kay and some organization done this week....and yesterday I crashed hard. Today I got back on the horse, but my house still looks like I took a month off..... oh well. I'll do more tomorrow, and hopefully I'll be able to report new bookings, better laundry habits, and more feelings of self joy.

I have to say, I feel like I am making progress at being more responsible. Maybe not at doing my habits EVERY day, regularly, but at actually being cognizant of the need to get them done, and steadily (several times a week) getting it done. It's more than I've done for years of my life, and I think that's a start. Someday, I hope to look back at this blog and say to myself, look how far you've come. And I think I will be able to. I keep telling myself I will.

The New Year Re-Boot!

It's the New Year Re-Boot! So exciting. I'm glad I got a jump start on my goals by starting last month instead of waiting to get started this week. It's been both a brutal and a great week. Recovering from the holidays and how busy we were, having two really terrible migraines, spending some down time with my dear hubby and my kids, and buying new furniture. Some really great highs and some really great lows. This weekend Mike and I are sending the kids to the grandparents for the day and doing, together, our once a month cooking day. I'm really excited. Having him in the kitchen with me, and having the kids off to grandma's for the day should really speed things up, big time! He got me a deep freeze for Christmas, so we're going to have even more freezer space than normal, and I'm going to start stockpiling the infant food, and the instant toddler type recipes, also! So excited to do this, again. Last month didn't go well in the kitchen, and we didn't end up liking the recipes that were on the menu, so there's still a lot of things in the freezer that are....eat once in a while meals, not eat once a week meals. Next months menu looks much better. AND we're almost ready to start alpha testing our new freezer meal software. We've been working on it since Christmas, as much as possible, and it's looking really pretty.

I'm on my way to the basement to load up a load of laundry on the eight hour delay, and I'll finish it up in the morning. Today I also deep cleaned our family room, so it's ready for our new sofa and love seat to be delivered on Friday.

I'm so glad I'm progressing towards new goals.
Here's my short term goal for this week.
Get back on the laundry wagon (I fell of during Christmas, go figure!)
And once I manage to get laundry done each of the next three days, take Sunday off per the commandments, and get to next Monday, I'm then going to add 30 minutes of exercise to my list.
One Complete load of Laundry
and Thirty minutes of exercise.

I can do it!