Mommy love

So it's been a week! I got ALL the laundry in the house washed. Now I'm just trying to get it folded. It's taking me DAYS. If I wasn't a mom it would be done already, but I wouldn't trade my kids for anything, and I just have to keep remembering that. I got something like nine new facial apointments booked last week. Which means I have to finish my taxes and stuff by tomorrow so my new year accounting is good to begin. I also need the house clean, because people are going to be coming for facials, and I really can't have it a disaster when they do. I also have two baby blankets I'm trying to finish, and a large sewing project for my own kids I need to get done. Is it any wonder I called my mom today feeling overwhelmed? She gave me a big hug over the phone, and reminded me that having two small ones is genuinely difficult to handle, and feeling like I can't keep up is normal and to just love myself and take a deep breath. I love my mommy. Now to go take care of my baby who just started crying again, and give mommy love to my kids in turn.

Forgiving Things I Can't Change

Migraines.

Even medicated they knock me out for four to twelve hours. I had a bad one today. I was out cold once I admited defeat and went back to bed, until 3:30. The worst part is that I'd promissed Michael that I'd give him the day off from daddy duty. He works so hard to help me have time to get things done that I need to take care of, and he wanted some time for his things for a while now.

And I had to reneg. I tried not to. I knew I had a migraine coming on. But I stayed up with the kids for two hours, before I told him I just couldn't do it. I texted a friend at church and asked her to cover my responsibilities there, and I didn't even wait for a response, I just went to bed. When I woke up I took the kids out for a drive so we could give dad some time alone. I still wasn't great then, but at least I was safe enough by then to drive.

What I'm struggling so hard with is the feelings of self-worthlessnes that overwhelm me when my best laid plans are blown to bits by something I have no control over. The severity of the migraines I get are a genuine disability. But I can't seem to find the ability to forgive myself for having them. I feel so much guilt when they cause me to be unable to keep my commitments.

The only thing that gets me through a migraine day is knowing it'll most likely be over tomorrow, and I should have at least two to five weeks before I have another. Durring that time I should be able to BE ME. I've already written down the six most important things I have to do tomorow. And I'm hopeful that it'll be a good day. I love mondays.

In the meantime? I wish I wasn't like this. I really don't like it.