Overcoming Myself

I've had three fantastic days! Monday, I got two loads washed and dried, and I got one load folded. I put away the load I folded and the load that I already had folded but hadn't been put away for several days. So it was two loads washed and dried, one load folded, and two loads put away on Monday! Tuesday I got one load washed and dried, two loads folded AND put away! There was nothing in my washer or dryer, and nothing waiting to be put away!

Success! I'm supper happy about my progress this week. I think next week I might even add a second goal.

I've spent a lot of time in organizations that promote the power of positive thinking, and analyzing your feelings and thoughts to find the root cause of a behavior. There's two or three things I've changed in the last week that I think have made my recent success possible.

First, last week when I thought about doing laundry I would get so frustrated, putting it away seems pointless because Rhia always pulls all her clothes out of her drawers within a few hours of getting them put away. They end up all over the floor and it's a huge mess. I had looked up how to baby proof a sliding closet door, but couldn't find anything that worked for our doors. Well, I decided that if I was ever going to meet my goal I needed to eliminate the cause of that negativity and I finally found a Patio Door lock, and used some drywall/hollow door anchors for the screws, installed the lock, and viola! She can't open the closet anymore. (We even have locks on the drawers of her little clothes dresser, and she knows how to open them, so they only helped for the week before she figured it out!) The great thing is the lock is up above my head, so she CAN'T get to it! One negative associated with laundry and making it feel pointless down!

Second, I feel like I'm washing the same clothes over and over, because she's always pulling them out of her closet (which I've fixed now) and because there's a lot of her clothes that are too small, and I put them in a pile to give away, she gets into the pile, dad cleans up one day (so thankful he's so helpful around the house, I really got lucky with him!) and doesn't know they're too small, he throws them in the laundry room thinking they're dirty, and I end up washing clean clothes again and again. I would think about doing the laundry, and that would make me think of all the time it would take to go through Rhia's clothes and Rowan's clothes, and my clothes and Mike's and sort out what doesn't fit/is worn out. That would make me feel overwhelmed and as though my effort was never going to measure up. My solution? I bought a new laundry basket. I dedicated it to only one purpose. It sits next to the washer and dryer. When I'm folding laundry, if it's too small for either of my kidlets then I throw it in the basket. The beautiful thing is that Rhia doesn't play with the laundry in the basement because she doesn't like dirty clothes and she knows if it's downstairs that it's dirty....lol. So now the clothes we have outgrown have a designated home to gather in before being given away!

Third, I'm forgetful, and tired, and have a newborn, and though i start a load every day, some days I just can't get downstairs to get it dried, then I have to restart it t he next day cause it smells bad. More feelings of frustration and pointlessness. Well, i figured this one out, too. My washing machine has a button on it that says "8 hour delay". Beautiful button! I load up the laundry before I go to bed for the night, adjust the settings, add soap, turn on the eight hour delay, hit start and go to bed. In the morning I throw it in the dryer. Now, instead of having to remember-twice-to head downstairs, I only have to find time in the day to get down there once. Starting each load the night before has made it so much easier!

Last, I was folding laundry Monday, after putting up the locks over the weekend and getting the basket, and I was feeling like it was just so hard! And I thought "there's no reason to feel that way, you've analyzed the things that were making this hard on you, and resolved them. Now, how are you going to change the way you feel about laundry?" I remembered one of the key things about changing habits that I'd been taught in my professional life and church. When in a funk or bad place, say something positive! I started repeating over and over, while folding the clothes, "doing the laundry is easy!" I added the steps I want to take each day, and by the time I had the two loads folded I had a little positive affirmation chant.

It goes like this:
"Doing the laundry is easy,
I start a load each night!
I dry it in the morning,
then fold and put away that load-when it is dry!"

And that night and the next morning, and today? I did!

And the Tables Turn!

Today, I think will be a good day. Not just a good day, but a day I make good. And there is a difference. Over the last few weeks I've dealt with me and both kids being ill, myself twice, done a Cooking for the Month day (which was much less successful than our last, my apologies to God for the waste....) but has been adequate to feed us, at least. All in all I should feel great about myself. I've been sick, for crying out loud.

When I sat down to write this, I was feeling really down on myself. I have realized, again, why writing is so important. As I wrote, I realized something important. I HAVE been making progress. I have one goal. One! Not thirty, not ten, not even three! Just one. To do a load of laundry from start to finish. Washed, dried and put away.

Today? I did it! First time in two weeks! And I was feeling so bad that it's been two weeks since my last successful "goal" day. Then I wrote that I did it, and I remembered that two weeks ago I had a successful "goal met" day, too. And as I cast my mind back, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time before that that I managed a to get a whole load of laundry actually put away, without someone else doing it for me. And that the fact that I've done it twice in the last month (and done countless loads of laundry that are clean but not put away in the mean time...) is a huge improvement over "never even washing laundry". Yes, I still can't find any clean clothes, because they aren't put away. But I did it today! Got a load put away. There were some for me, some for Rhia, some for Rowan and some for Daddy. A little bit for everyone, put away where they belong and easy to find.

Ah...my order loving heart feels great about that.

We're desperate for clean towels, so I'm doing a second load today out of necessity.

My embarrassing before picture, let's see what it looks like by Friday, eh?

Hopefully, while tracking my numbers they'll continue to grow. Someday, I'll have a clean laundry room, and closets that are in order. One day at a time, I'll conquer Mount Wash-More!

One month, down.

Well, it's been almost a month since I started this blog. It's funny but the things that have changed seem so small to me on some days, and quite big on others. I still haven't gotten the laundry put away. I wash and wash and wash, and yet we never have clothes where they belong because I just can't seem to get them put away. Is my will power so weak? And yet on a good front, I've been making good meals for my family much more often. The benefit of cooking once a month.

Our cooking weekend this month had lots of complications, though. I didn't manage to get three of the recipes for the month made before the food went bad. I'm feeling like such a failure. Despite having a freezer full of other types of food I just feel so inadequate. I was curled up on the couch last night, crying, and said to Michael that I shouldn't have purchased the food until the weekend. (I'd been having a panic attack about needing to get more meals in our freezer since we were out, so I went shopping on Wednesday, I don't know what I was thinking since the food just sat there until the weekend, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to do it all on Saturday because I had prior commitments...I really should have waited.) He said "That's ok, we'll know that for next time." He's so good to me. I don't know why. He even suggested that we get a babysitter next time, so that he and I can spend the day together in the kitchen and get it all done in one day (for real this time). I'm really excited for that.

See what I mean....mood swings. I feel so bad about how this month is turning out, and yet I'm very excited that it's going to keep going somewhere positive if I keep with it.

I need to clean my house. It's a mess....I just know it wont be today. Rhia and Rowan (and I) are very sick today. And Rowan got his immunizations yesterday. I see lots of baby holding and comforting in my future. And so here I am again. With feelings in both directions. I'm so glad that I can sit with my kids in the living room and just make sure we get well soon and Michael knows that I'm doing my best to take care of the kids and myself while being sick so he's not upset with me for getting "just" childcare done today. I'm greatful for that. And at the same time I'm so upset that ONCE AGAIN I feel so yucky that I don't have the energy to clean and organize my home.

Will it ever really get better? I know that I'll never give up, but sometimes I doubt that I'll ever succeed.

My roadtrip to Thirty

So. I'm twenty-nine, now. It was my birthday yesterday. I had a really good day, but really mixed feelings about turning twenty-nine.

The bad feelings? Twenty-Nine and have finished so few of my personal developmental life goals.

The good feelings? I have a whole year until I'm Thirty and so much change can happen in a year. I have so much I can do to be where I want to be by Thirty.

The frustrated feelings? Rowan has started to get really fussy whenever he's not eating, which means I'm holding-rocking-swaying-soothing ALL day long. Even when he's asleep. He falls asleep, or is almost asleep, and if I put him down he wakes up screaming. I can't get anything done! I know he'll get over it eventually but in the meantime it's so frustrating. There's so much I want to DO with my life right now, and all I can do is hold him. There's moments when holding him is all I want to do, and I'm very aware that he's going to grow up SO fast and then I'll miss holding my brand new baby. I know that. I WANT to be able to just hold and cuddle and enjoy him. But why can't he sleep without being held so that I can spend SOME time devoted to just Rhia, too? And get my laundry done? And MAYBE get a room or two tidied? I'm frustrated that he's being SO needy that I have NO balance and that lack of balance is making it hard to unreservedly enjoy his newborn stage. He's my last baby, I really want to cherish every moment. It's so hard to do so when my house is such a mess that I can't relax.

Hopefully I can figure something out so that I am not so restricted in my ability to do things and comfort him at the same time. I have a baby wrap but he doesn't like it. I think I'm gonna have to try a couple other baby carier types. He doesn't like the wrap or our baby bjorn front carier. I wonder if he'll like a sling?.....?

Well, I guess that gives me a first priority project to accomplish first thing tomorrow. Find a sling to try out with him. Last week was another wash, goal wise. I was really sick the first half of the week, and with Rowan being so fussy the whole week I just didn't get anything done.

But tomorrow is Monday. I love Mondays. Let's hope this week is better!

Ciao!

Sick as a Dog!

Oh, sad. I've come down with a really bad head cold. I failed to meet my whole goal yesterday. (Will I ever have more than one good day in a row???) I met it halfway. *sigh* I'm gonna go take a nap, hopefully when I wake up I'll have the strength to get a full goal met day done, today.

Just because they sparkle....

I had the most interesting thought while I was driving home yesterday.

But first. This week has been one of great enjoyment for me. I spent a few days out of town (which is why I haven't been posting. I wasn't at home) The days that I was at home I met my goals. Monday I did a full load of laundry, from washing to putting away. Tuesday I spent over an hour folding over four loads that had been washed but not folded or put away. Because of that, packing for our trip was easy. Then we went to Cedar for the Thanksgiving holiday. When we got back I got those loads put away. It's Sunday, now, and I'm glad that we're coming up on a new week. I love Sunday. It's like an emotional reboot for my heart. I always feel like I can accomplish anything during the week as long as I have my Sunday to heal my spirit, first. Simply because I want to have fourteen consecutive days of good habits, I'm rebooting my new habit count starting tomorrow. I'm excited for the next few weeks.

I've been really good with keeping my spending under control, thanks be to God. I couldn't do it without his help. And I'm starting to really feel like I'll be able to find the me that I'm looking for.

In that vein, Sunday! I love Sunday. I'd forgotten how much I love Sunday in the last few years. I've been so sick that Sunday had become just another day to lie around and feel like I wasn't good enough or strong enough. For the first time in almost a year, Mike and I have both made it to all of our Sunday church meetings. It feels so good. I've also spent quite a bit of time over the last three weeks reading my scriptures. I can't remember the last time I spent this much time reading them. It's making a large difference in my life. The positive change in my emotions and heart as I struggle to elevate my style of life, I believe, is due in large part to the fact that I've brought my faith to the front of my life again. When you spend enough time opening yourself to the words of God and his prophets, you find yourself being struck by positive thoughts more often, and feeling more love for yourself because you can feel the love that God has for you filtering down upon the tender places in your soul.

And you are struck by such interesting thoughts, at the most interesting moments. I was driving home last night, and I was coming into my neighborhood and noticing the houses that had Christmas lights up on their roofs. And as I did so I was feeling that they were so beautiful, and at the same time feeling a little guilt that I hadn't ever gotten lights up on our house, and also (at the same moment) worrying that my neighbors were upset that I never decorated my house to add to the beauty of the neighborhood, and also in the same thought trying to tell myself to relax about it, the time will eventually come that I'm at a place where I feel able to handle decorating for the holidays. (Funny how so many things can go though one's mind, all at the same exact moment....)

And suddenly I was looking at the houses on the streets, and I realized that I wasn't looking at the houses that didn't have lights up. I didn't even notice them. What I noticed were the houses that sparkled. I noticed the houses that were decorated. And looking at the whole picture, those houses stand out so much because the houses next to them aren't lit up. But when you drive down a street and look at the Christmas lights, you don't see the houses that aren't lit and think "man, they're so lazy" or "goodness they're bad homeowners, they don't do anything". What you see is the houses that are decorated. You don't even notice the ones that aren't because you're too busy looking at the ones that are.

And so, keep this in mind. Just because they sparkle or shine, doesn't make you less. Your flaws aren't more noticeable to others simply because someone near you happens to seem more perfect to you. Truth is, take comparing yourself to others out of the equation completely, people are most likely not noticing your flaws at all, because they're too busy noticing the things about you that do sparkle.

So love yourself more. The sparkly parts of your life out shine the parts that haven't been lit up, yet.

Icing on my cake!

I did it! I washed, dried and put away a load of laundry! (I folded two loads, actually!) Day one of fourteen, down! Tomorrow I hope to have another successful day. I was really busy today, but I had a major change of view point as I was doing things. I know it's happening because I'm working on this blog to track my progress, and so my desire to improve and become my best me is always at the front of my mind. I knew I had a lot to do, but even when I was running around getting things done the thing in my mind that weighed the most and that I kept coming back to was that no mater what I HAD TO get the laundry done. It was really bizarre, actually. Normally I throw a load in and get so busy I forget to finish it. Today, as things came up, as I was running errands, etc., I kept thinking "have to get home and finish my laundry, have to get home and finish my laundry." Everything else was just Icing on My Cake of Life.

I got quite a bit done today, just a little putter here and there. And I'm not exhausted from the effort, so I know I wasn't overdoing it. Very pleased with myself right now, and thankful to God. My first week went well in the way it got me started, last week was a total wash, but this week I'm finally getting my game on. Today I spent some time cleaning the family room (wow, Rhia makes it messy in less than a blink! I clean it every day, honestly.) I took Rowan and myself to the Doctor, because he's got thrush and so I've got it, too. Ow! That hurts! We went to the store so I could buy plumbing supplies (yay, we're still under budget!) to fix the bathroom toilet. I fixed the bathroom toilet. Mike made lunch today, and dinner, but I'm alright with that because I was busy running errands, and all he had to do was heat something up. *big grin* I delivered some Mary Kay product, picked up the anti-yeast cream for Rowan and myself, got some laundry done, pumped some milk for Rowan (he can't nurse 'til I heal, I'm too torn up and sore), got Rhia down for her nap and spent some quality time with Mike. Tonight I have to pick up one of my sisters from Salt Lake and get the sinks in both the bathrooms to drain smoothly again. All in all, I'm calling today a total win! And not because of all the things I got done, but because of the fact that I managed to get the laundry folded and put away. Finally! Goal Finally Met!

Bring it, tomorrow!