I'm almost 29. Holy Cow. I've always been somewhat mystified by the thought of dreading a birthday, it's just another year, right?
Um, not so much this year.
I'm getting really close to 30, which I never thought would be a problem. But this year? All I can think is "I'm almost 30 what do I have to show for the last 30 years?" I have a wonderful house, a kind and caring husband, and two wonderful children. The only problem is I don't feel I've earned any of it. (Well, my kids I earned, getting them here was really difficult and I was the only one who could do it, and I did!) But everything good in my life I have because I got lucky in my choice of husband. Everything good in my life I have because he provides it, and in return? I don't even make dinner regularly or keep his shirts pressed or keep his house clean or keep the budget balanced (and my spending under control). Without him I don't know where I'd be, but I know it wouldn't be nearly as nice a place as I find myself in now, and I don't feel that I deserve it.
You see, I didn't finish High School despite being fairly intelligent, I've never finished college, I've never accomplished my career goals, I've never followed through with my piano or voice lessons, I keep making my husband go deeper in debt (granted it's mostly medical debt, but still). I've been constantly sick for the last five years and I have gotten in the nasty habit of having others do everything for me because I've been too ill to do so, I've spent the last year in bed or lying on the couch because I was pregnant and suffer from Hyperemesis Gravidarum and was so sick that I needed a lot of help to take care of my two-year-old toddler and house. As a result of all of this I'm so out of shape I can't enjoy a day at the park with my kids, or walk up and down the stairs several times while trying to clean my house, or go hiking with my husband (his favorite outdoor sport). I've been very inactive in my church which is difficult for me because my faith is a huge part of my personal identity. I'm overwhelmed by the clutter in my home, clutter I dream of having organized but don't truly believe I'll ever be strong enough to manage. I have so many talents and skills and capabilities, and I'm not using them to bless my family's life nearly as much as I want to because I'm so weak physically. I've recently been diagnosed with a degenerative inner ear disease which leaves me unable to stand, walk or drive for several hours when I have an attack from it, and all of these together make me feel like a complete failure as a mom, a housewife, a wife and a human being.
I know what I need to do.
I'm just scared I won't be able to do it.
I know that somewhere inside myself is the ability to change my life. I'm just need to find it in myself. Somewhere in the last 20 years I lost myself. When I was a child I was a very confident and strong willed kid who didn't let anything stop her and who didn't doubt herself. But between ten and twenty I got completely lost, I developed bad habits and I lost my self-confidence. And there are valid reasons for that, but that's a whole different painful long story (maybe someday I'll post it) and the reasons don't matter, what matters is the result. Between twenty and twenty-four I worked hard to find myself again, and made good progress, but in the last five years I've been so sick, and it's been so easy to let others take care of me and fall back into very lazy habits. I'm actually worse than I ever was before. I hate myself.
And I don't want to feel like this about myself anymore.
So! To begin. My end goals, which I want to complete before October 1, 2013, are:
-A home where everything has a home and the clutter is manageable and the paperwork is organized.
-To habitually care for my children and my home without feeling that I'll never measure up.
-To do things for myself instead of always asking for help.
-The ability to go hiking and play with the kids without ending up sick in bed for the next three days.
-To habitually spend at least one day a week utilizing my field of talents working on large home improvement projects.
-To spend ten hours each week working to earn money with my home business.
and finally, to run a marathon.
And since a big goal is always best broken down into smaller goals, we'll start with the ones that seem the most possible to me: being healthy and having good housekeeping habits. Truthfully they all seem impossible, but those two seem feasible considering I was on the way to achieving them last year at this time (before I got pregnant).
Reclaiming Me!: Week One Starter Goals
Goal A: To exercise for 15 minutes each day
Goal B: To spend 15 minutes doing housework, three times a day, each day. (Yes, I'm bad enough that I need such a small goal to start with. Truthfully, just that seems very difficult and overwhelming and almost impossible to me.)
Goal C: To wash, dry, fold and put away one load of laundry each day.
Wish me luck!
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